Grandma

I lost my grandma at the end of June.

While her health was not the best, her death still took me by surprise. In fact, she had decided to venture out on a miniature vacation with my mother when, unexpectedly, she became very ill.

Despite all of the Covid precautions I had been trying to take, I immediately hopped onto a plane, masked up, and flew to where she was.


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Trauma cycles

Trauma.

This feels like such a loaded word lately.

It has been an identity for me for a few years–me, the child of trauma.

Me, the teacher of traumatized children.

The word itself, when examined and detailed, feels like a trigger.

Opening up wounds, reminding me that I, too, am wounded.

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A Walking Wound

When I started the therapy process, I was hesitant to admit any of my past wounds. I wanted to focus on the present–find strategies to overcome all of the panic and anxiety I had been suffering from.

However, my amazing therapist had other plans. She knew that the reason I was experiencing panic and anxiety in the first place was because I had some kind of underlying trauma–even if I didn’t want to go there.

And then, despite all my hesitation, my panic led me there. I wanted to run and hide, but the expectation of possibly having to spill out my past threw me into a whole new level of panic. I found myself back on the phone, back in her office, much more quickly than I expected. Continue reading

Forgetting Boundaries

Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.

It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.

It’s just not.

It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.

Right now, I am in the latter category.

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Seeing the cycle

Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.

Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.

You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.

If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.

But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.

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