Calm versus Chaos

When I first started this blog, my emotional health was at an all time low. I was a DISASTER (thus the blog name). But, bravely, I continued to pursue healing and therapy. Day after day, week after week, and month after month.

Progress occurred, but in my mind it was slow and hardTherapy is hard work, man. It is deep, soul-wrenching, earth shattering, WORK.

Luckily, I was graced with the most amazing therapist to guide me through the process. Oooohhh, the patience this amazing woman had/has for me will never cease to blow my mind. I challenged her, I clung to her, I pushed her away…always so sure she would abandon me, too.

Through her steadfast faith in me, I grew. I, slowly, began to heal. I began to need her less and less, and gained faith in myself and my other relationships.

Healing work will never be done. That is something I learned the hard way. There will never be a magic day where I wake up and realize, “I am healed!” 

No…life is a spectrum, and I will always have some struggles–but, I can say confidently that I am on the other side of the spectrum. Continue reading

She will be loved…

She really hopes.

EMDR therapy has a way of exposing these underlying beliefs I’ve been holding. These deeply held, core beliefs that, without my explicit acknowledgment, affect much of my day to day living.

The thing about a core belief is that I might even know, cognitively, that I shouldn’t believe it. Or that it isn’t really true. But, it is silently destructive. It is, unconsciously–subconsciously?–defining who I am, how I feel, and what I believe about myself.

  Continue reading

A Rocky Hard Place

My brain is like a filing cabinet. For years, I had stored these files away, never daring to open them up. Some of them, in fact, I had forgotten about–they were in the very back of the drawer, gathering dust…but still there, waiting to be found again.

When I started EMDR and talk therapy, my brain found it useful access a lot of these old files and, suddenly, I remembered…I remembered lots of things I had buried long ago, hoping I’d to never have to talk about.

I realized this weekend though, what part of my struggle is: As I have remembered all of the horrible and hard stuff from childhood, it has reawakened a sense of injustice, anger, and grief within me. Continue reading

About the last month

I’ve written over the last month that I am having a really hard time. I’ve been down…dark, and depressed. I’ve been fighting bouts of anxiety and nervousness, and stomach issues that are a result of all of it, but also make all the stress and nervousness worse.

I have been feeling trapped. And stuck. And hopeless. Continue reading

The difficulty in loving me.

This morning, as I lay in my bed, my mind wandered to all of the heavy thoughts that have been weighing me down. I gave a sigh, feeling the familiar pain of sadness and emotion in my chest and my stomach, and blinked the tears from my eyes.

Image result for i am learning to love myself. it is the hardest thing I've ever had to doI have not been okay. I am hurting–and grieving–and feeling close to hopeless.

Lately, the dysfunction of my relationships has been at the forefront of my mind. I have been struggling with the idea, again, that there is something wrong with me.

And then I realized something–there IS something wrong with me.
Continue reading

Why do I hurt so much?

The last few weeks have been so emotionally painful.

In moments of silence, when I am in tune with my body, I am only cognizant of the pain that is flowing through my stomach, chest, and heart.

It is emotional, but it is also physical.

I am trying not to let the sadness and the hopelessness take root.

It is hard.

It is hard to focus on the good things when that pain is so readily felt. Growth is painful, I know. But this feels overwhelming.

I know I’ve grown. There are some things I feel better about. But I wish this journey–this life of mine–was clearer and easier.