Silence, Shame, and Struggling

Silence…shame…and struggling.

That is how I can describe my days lately.

Things at home? Things at home have been better. My husband is trying so hard. I have torn down my walls and let him in. I am letting him hold me. I am asking him to kiss me deeply. I am trying to feel the connection and love between us.

I am trying. I owe him that, after building a life with him for the last 12 years. I owe him one more chance.

Nothing is as heavy as shame

My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.

I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.

But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.

Shame. 

Connected. 💛

I believe that, as social beings, we are wired to connect to others. From the moment that we are born, we need other people, rely on them to help meet our needs, and thrive when we have healthy attachments and are loved.

So much of my journey has focused on what I perceive as a lack of connection. When I initially went to therapy, I knew that I was lonely and seeking friendships and connections with other people. As I dug through all of my childhood issues, and addressed issues closer to “now,” I realized that this search for connection has been a theme throughout my entire life.

About the last month

I’ve written over the last month that I am having a really hard time. I’ve been down…dark, and depressed. I’ve been fighting bouts of anxiety and nervousness, and stomach issues that are a result of all of it, but also make all the stress and nervousness worse.

I have been feeling trapped. And stuck. And hopeless.

It’s time to stop resisting the pain

Yesterday, I cracked open yet another self-help book–one I’ve been wanting to read because it is magically going to tell me how to be self-compassionate.

The very first chapter made me stop and think. This chapter dealt with our perception of pain and with it came a novel idea (to me): Pain is increased when we resist it. Pain is decreased when we accept it.

In fact, the more resistance that we feel, the more our pain amplifies and turns into suffering. 

The difficulty in loving me.

This morning, as I lay in my bed, my mind wandered to all of the heavy thoughts that have been weighing me down. I gave a sigh, feeling the familiar pain of sadness and emotion in my chest and my stomach, and blinked the tears from my eyes.

I have not been okay. I am hurting–and grieving–and feeling close to hopeless.

Lately, the dysfunction of my relationships has been at the forefront of my mind. I have been struggling with the idea, again, that there is something wrong with me.

And then I realized something–there IS something wrong with me.

Let’s talk about it: SHAME

Shame.

It’s a word I’ve thrown around a couple of times. An overwhelming wave of emotion. Shockingly, however, while I can feel and name this emotion, I have really never thought to examine its underlying cause.

I mean, where does my shame come from? Why do I feel it so heavily and so readily?