Mother’s Day: The Double Edged Sword

Every year, there is this holiday that rolls around…I dread it.

My social media feeds are clogged with pictures of smiling mothers and daughters, complete with odes all about how self-sacrificing and completely wonderful all mothers are, and how no one can love you the way your mother loves you.

These posts, every year, fill me with confusion.

They make me jealous, and angry, and sad, and wistful. Continue reading

Needy.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about my neediness.

The feeling–the desire–to connect with someone was high today.

I am hurting.

My mind has been churning and churning. Thinking too many thoughts. Sad thoughts. Frustrating thoughts. Angering thoughts.

So. Many. Thoughts.  Continue reading

Instability

Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.

I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.

The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.

Continue reading

Digging Deep

What a weekend it has been.

…I felt like I was barely going to make it. The sense of loneliness, the sadness, the anxiety, and the injustice hit me like a train Thursday and Friday, and assaulted my senses. I couldn’t shake it off. I needed to vent it–find support, in the way wanted it–before I exploded all over the place.

The problem? I couldn’t find the support. I tried, in my way. But it didn’t happen. I started drowning. Continue reading