Every year, there is this holiday that rolls around…I dread it.
My social media feeds are clogged with pictures of smiling mothers and daughters, complete with odes all about how self-sacrificing and completely wonderful all mothers are, and how no one can love you the way your mother loves you.
These posts, every year, fill me with confusion.
They make me jealous, and angry, and sad, and wistful. Continue reading
I’ve been writing a lot lately about my neediness.
The feeling–the desire–to connect with someone was high today.
I am hurting.
My mind has been churning and churning. Thinking too many thoughts. Sad thoughts. Frustrating thoughts. Angering thoughts.
So. Many. Thoughts. Continue reading
Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.
I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.
The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.
I have uttered those words at various times throughout my life.
Please! Don’t leave me…
Each and every time this has happened, I have been filled with absolute panic–absolute desperation.
I can’t help but wonder…where does this fear of abandonment come from? Continue reading
There is a fire inside of me.
Sometimes, it burns boldly–bright and hot–a vivid sight to be seen.
Sometimes, the winds of life dim this fire.
What was once bold is now small–flickering–unsure of whether it should burn radiantly…or simply burn at all. Continue reading
Right now, you are hurting. You feel like there is a deep, deep hole, in the middle of your chest–and you are unable to stitch it closed.
You want to find others to fill that hole for you. Others who will fill it with connection, and love, and hugs. Others who will know you and hear you and see you. Continue reading
About a week ago, I journeyed through my church’s labyrinth. The idea of walking this path, with intention–with pause–was intriguing.
…But it was also slightly scary.
As I began to walk the path, I tried to focus on my breathing. In….and out. In….and out. Continue reading
What a weekend it has been.
…I felt like I was barely going to make it. The sense of loneliness, the sadness, the anxiety, and the injustice hit me like a train Thursday and Friday, and assaulted my senses. I couldn’t shake it off. I needed to vent it–find support, in the way I wanted it–before I exploded all over the place.
The problem? I couldn’t find the support. I tried, in my way. But it didn’t happen. I started drowning. Continue reading
Right now I am desperate.
At everyone. At myself. At my life.