A grateful heart

Last night, I got hit with a wave of emotions.

It started as I finished reading a really deep, romantic novel. Each time I read a book in this genre, I start to feel melancholy. I look at the way the book portrays romantic love, and grieve over the fact that my love looks so much different.

I stayed up entirely too late reading this book. Around midnight, I snuck upstairs and crawled into bed. I felt a little battle-worn.  Continue reading

Mother’s Day: The Double Edged Sword

Every year, there is this holiday that rolls around…I dread it.

My social media feeds are clogged with pictures of smiling mothers and daughters, complete with odes all about how self-sacrificing and completely wonderful all mothers are, and how no one can love you the way your mother loves you.

These posts, every year, fill me with confusion.

They make me jealous, and angry, and sad, and wistful. Continue reading

Instability

Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.

I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.

The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.

Continue reading