I have always had insecurities.
From a young age, I learned to read the room–facial expressions, sighs (these were a big one), body language.
This skill helped me predict. Did I need to leave the room? Did I need to smooth over a potential problem? Did I need to apologize for my existence? Continue reading
Last night, I got hit with a wave of emotions.
It started as I finished reading a really deep, romantic novel. Each time I read a book in this genre, I start to feel melancholy. I look at the way the book portrays romantic love, and grieve over the fact that my love looks so much different.
I stayed up entirely too late reading this book. Around midnight, I snuck upstairs and crawled into bed. I felt a little battle-worn. Continue reading
Every year, there is this holiday that rolls around…I dread it.
My social media feeds are clogged with pictures of smiling mothers and daughters, complete with odes all about how self-sacrificing and completely wonderful all mothers are, and how no one can love you the way your mother loves you.
These posts, every year, fill me with confusion.
They make me jealous, and angry, and sad, and wistful. Continue reading
I’ve been writing a lot lately about my neediness.
The feeling–the desire–to connect with someone was high today.
I am hurting.
My mind has been churning and churning. Thinking too many thoughts. Sad thoughts. Frustrating thoughts. Angering thoughts.
So. Many. Thoughts. Continue reading
Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.
I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.
The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.
I have uttered those words at various times throughout my life.
Please! Don’t leave me…
Each and every time this has happened, I have been filled with absolute panic–absolute desperation.
I can’t help but wonder…where does this fear of abandonment come from? Continue reading
There is a fire inside of me.
Sometimes, it burns boldly–bright and hot–a vivid sight to be seen.
Sometimes, the winds of life dim this fire.
What was once bold is now small–flickering–unsure of whether it should burn radiantly…or simply burn at all. Continue reading