Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

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It’s easier to hurt than to heal.

A funny thing has happened to me.

For years–my whole life, really–I kept all of my secrets. I rarely talked about what my childhood was like, or how hard it felt. When I did, I framed it in terms of my resilience…as in, Hey! All these things happened to me, but I turned  out okay. 

It wasn’t until almost two years ago (in three months I will have been in therapy for TWO YEARS…wow.), that I started to acknowledge things.  Continue reading

Where did I lose my worth?

I had coffee after work yesterday with my priest.

He is my priest, but he is also my friend. His wife is one of the important people in my life…a supporter, a role model, a real friend.

The boundaries are fuzzy…but suffice it to say that I have a deep love for my friend and her family…including her husband, who also happens to be the person who helps me navigate aspects of my spiritual life.

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The Present

I have been living in the past and worrying about the future.

Yesterday, I had another therapy appointment. This time, EMDR was on the menu. It has been a long time since I’ve ventured back into the depths of my memory in this way…and it is always something that I approach with anxiety and apprehension.

Sometimes, I respond very emotionally to this process. It is powerful. And real. And hard.

My focus yesterday was to target why I rely so heavily on other people for my value. Why I worry so much and spiral out of control when I feel alone even when I am not really alone. Continue reading