Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 1: Maternal Power

It’s 2018, ya’ll!

On December 31, 2016, I was cursing the end of a hell of a year. I was ready to kick it to the curb and embrace 2017–I had just turned 30, I was going to go on an amazing trip in May…this was going to be MY. YEAR.

Well.

I’m always an idealist.

Truth was, 2017 was still hard. In different ways. But, painful ways.

I continued to grow. I continued to learn more about myself…yet remained fixed in the pain and unable to let it go. I made mistakes, questioned my relationships, and struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be.

2018 will be a year where I am much more realistic.

Guess what? I am not perfect.

But guess what else? I know this. I also know that I do NOT have to have everything all figured out RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. I can just be in the NOW.

First up on my 2018 agenda?? Learning to get over the wounds of my childhood. The wounds that run so deep, and are related–so much so–to my mother and our relationship.

I am going to learn how to believe that I am lovable.

To start, I purchased and have begun reading a new book, called Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep.

As I read this book, I am continually surprised at how RIGHT ON the descriptions are. Like, literally, I can pick myself right off the page…I am reading the text and think, Oh my god…that is SO me.

It is both sobering and refreshing.

As I read, I am going to use my blog as a journal–reflecting on what I am learning and processing my way through the pages…and by the end, I hope that I will finally be able to let the pain go. Continue reading

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Acknowledgment

Writing has always been my outlet. It is my way of venting, of processing…of figuring out what I am even thinking.

Image result for growth quoteOne side effect of this, however, is that I tend to write more frequently when I feel bad. The emotions during tumultuous times need to be let out…so I hit the keyboard.

Lately? Lately I have been feeling a lot better. Not perfect. I have noticed spans of melancholy and I can easily fall back into old, not-so-healthy patterns. But, overall, my need to write has been less.

Today, however, that need felt big again. I felt that overwhelming desire to get on my computer and start typing away. I have something to say. Continue reading

It’s okay to be where you are.

Not knowing the future is hard.

There is safety in being able to plan. In being able to predict.

My early childhood was a series of unpredictable events. Scary things that happened. Fear and anxiety from not knowing what would happen next…and what that would mean for me, a terrified little girl, trying to cope with the constant upheaval.

That fear–that anxiety–became my normal. I learned to order my world, to try to predict as much as I could, and to control every aspect that I could. It is the root of my perfectionism. Continue reading

About the last month

I’ve written over the last month that I am having a really hard time. I’ve been down…dark, and depressed. I’ve been fighting bouts of anxiety and nervousness, and stomach issues that are a result of all of it, but also make all the stress and nervousness worse.

I have been feeling trapped. And stuck. And hopeless. Continue reading

It’s time to stop resisting the pain

Yesterday, I cracked open yet another self-help book–one I’ve been wanting to read because it is magically going to tell me how to be self-compassionate.

The very first chapter made me stop and think. This chapter dealt with our perception of pain and with it came a novel idea (to me): Pain is increased when we resist it. Pain is decreased when we accept it.

In fact, the more resistance that we feel, the more our pain amplifies and turns into suffering.  Continue reading

Let’s talk about it: SHAME

Shame.

Image result for shame brene brownIt’s a word I’ve thrown around a couple of times. An overwhelming wave of emotion. Shockingly, however, while I can feel and name this emotion, I have really never thought to examine its underlying cause.

I mean, where does my shame come from? Why do I feel it so heavily and so readily? Continue reading

With insight, comes change

On Thursday, still reeling from my latest EMDR session, I wrote all about the overwhelming and messy feelings that I was struggling with. It was an emotionally charged post and, un-shockingly, one that made me realize just how hard I can be on myself.

You see, I was so ashamed of myself for realizing that I rely on my failures to shape the person that I am. I was ashamed that I rely on other people’s opinion of me when setting my own self-worth. And, I was ashamed when I realized how strongly judgmental I am…no, not of others, but of myself. Continue reading