Updates

Life has been more or less “okay.”

There are inevitable ups and downs. There are moments of relative calm, and also moments of deep vulnerability.

It started with a phone call…

I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.

I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.

It was A WEEK.

Seeing the cycle

Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.

Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.

You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.

If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.

But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.

The noise.

Life has been exceptionally noisy lately.

My fingers have been itching to hit this keyboard all summer long, yet, over and over again, I have stopped myself as I’ve opened the computer.

I felt like I had nothing to say.

Reflections

Do you ever have a moment of clarity, where it becomes impossible to deny how incredibly hard you are on yourself?

I had that moment today, as I had a conversation with a treasured friend.

Finding Family

Ever since I was a young girl who recognized that my family did not love the way that is “normal,” I have been seeking.

Seeking that love from my own blood–pleasing and changing myself to fit into the mold that might, maybe, possibly, (but never really) be enough.

And, seeking that love from others. Hoping, each day, to find a person who could help me see my own value.

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 4: Patterns and Partners

Reading through chapter 5 of Peg Streep’s book, Daughter Detox, took me longer than I anticipated.

Christmas break is over, students are back, and I have been exhausted as I try to get my body back into a routine. Reading and writing, sadly, took a backseat over the last week.

Thank goodness for the weekend!

So–chapter 5 deals with the distinguishing phase. In other words, it deals with the way the patterns of behavior we developed during childhood interfere with our relationships today.

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 3: How mom’s behavior shapes yours

I am continuing to read my way through Peg Streep’s book, Daughter Detox. Chapter 4 deals not with how your mother treated you, but how you responded to the way she treated you.

If you have spent any amount of time around children, you probably know that children can react to the same incident in many different ways. The same is true, after all, for adults.

As a teacher, I see it all the time–we have the students who are externalizers–they are the ones that act out. They might act out in many different ways–yelling, screaming, throwing, running around…this type of acting out is pretty familiar to most people. We see it and we hear about it often.

Then, we have students who are internalizers. They get quiet. They withdraw. They hold everything that is hurting them, or scaring them, deep inside.

What child were you? 

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part Two: All in the family

As the end of my Christmas break neared, I found myself increasingly pulled into Peg Streep’s latest book, Daughter Detox. 

Earlier I wrote about my reflections from Part One, with focused on discovering the power of attachment and maternal power. 

Chapter three focuses on the first part of stage two: Discernment.

Discernment relates to the way in which the unloved daughter can consider her family’s relational patterns, and chapter three looks specifically at family ripple effects…how did her parents interact? What was the relationship with her siblings like? Did she have any supportive people in her life?