I am going to try to write and process something that is rather difficult for me.
Yesterday, I finally had a chance to do another EMDR session. Once again, I concentrated on my fear of abandonment, and the chronic belief that I am unworthy of love.
The session began with the same triggering moment that always seems to surface–the day, right before 3rd grade–that my grandmother gave my brother and I “back” to my mom. The day she left us…the day that I panicked, and experienced what must have been my very first panic attack.
It is familiar. I have written and written and written about it.
I know that it is a moment. And I have been desperate to dig deeper and try to understand why I am so anxious about losing important relationships. Why I spiral down into a dark hole when I fear I’ve messed up. Why I need reassurance that things are okay. Continue reading
Sundays are always hard for me.
The weekend is over. The new week and all of its tasks are looming.
But loneliness is the real killer. Continue reading
I am not always who I like to think I am.
I am not perfect.
I am not selfless.
I make mistakes. Continue reading
Tonight, I am feeling lonely.
Nothing is different. It is the same as it usually is.
My day was routine. My friends are there–I even talked to all of them today. (All THREE of them!)
But there is something about arriving home, after a long day, and meeting a spouse who is in a bad mood. Pretty much everyday. Continue reading
I have been an irritable, grumpy person lately.
Life has been stressful, for no really great reasons.
My anxiety has felt okay.
It’s just that melancholy creeps in.
Some days? It overtakes me.
I lay in bed at night, hoping that you will feel the aching pain drifting off of my body and wrap me in your arms. No words…just you and me, breathing as one. Me, crying in your arms, rather than alone on my pillow.
You don’t come.
Yesterday, I embarked on another EMDR journey–this time, in an attempt to get to the bottom of my perfectionism. The journey itself was not as traumatic and difficult as some of the others have been, and images did come swimming before my closed eyes. One image–of a high cinder block wall that I was trying to scale, jump off of, and leave behind–seems especially relevant in my attempt to escape my little town, where I was known, had history, and, most likely, very few secrets. Breaking into my cliquish peer group as an outsider was never something that I feel like I completely achieved, and my experiences of being bullied, not fitting in, and then trying to prove myself and be better than some of them, certainly contributed to my feelings of inferiority and judgment.
So, while this was telling to me, these are not the moments that stood out to me during this EMDR session. Continue reading