I had coffee after work yesterday with my priest.
He is my priest, but he is also my friend. His wife is one of the important people in my life…a supporter, a role model, a real friend.
The boundaries are fuzzy…but suffice it to say that I have a deep love for my friend and her family…including her husband, who also happens to be the person who helps me navigate aspects of my spiritual life.
That is how I can describe my days lately.
Things at home? Things at home have been better. My husband is trying so hard. I have torn down my walls and let him in. I am letting him hold me. I am asking him to kiss me deeply. I am trying to feel the connection and love between us.
I am trying. I owe him that, after building a life with him for the last 12 years. I owe him one more chance.
Sundays are always hard for me.
The weekend is over. The new week and all of its tasks are looming.
But loneliness is the real killer. Continue reading
I am not always who I like to think I am.
I am not perfect.
I am not selfless.
I make mistakes. Continue reading
The last week and a half has been strange.
I’ve been struggling, no doubt. Continue reading
I have been living in the past and worrying about the future.
Yesterday, I had another therapy appointment. This time, EMDR was on the menu. It has been a long time since I’ve ventured back into the depths of my memory in this way…and it is always something that I approach with anxiety and apprehension.
Sometimes, I respond very emotionally to this process. It is powerful. And real. And hard.
My focus yesterday was to target why I rely so heavily on other people for my value. Why I worry so much and spiral out of control when I feel alone even when I am not really alone. Continue reading
Tonight, I am feeling lonely.
Nothing is different. It is the same as it usually is.
My day was routine. My friends are there–I even talked to all of them today. (All THREE of them!)
But there is something about arriving home, after a long day, and meeting a spouse who is in a bad mood. Pretty much everyday. Continue reading
I am good at hiding my pain.
I always have been.
Since May, I have been on a path towards something better. I have had someone in my life who started making a difference. Giving me her support, in small–but, for me, giant–ways.
And goodness, that support flipped a switch for me.
Struggling is my new norm. It isn’t getting better.
I’m not okay and it is messy and I do feel broken.
So…what do I need? Continue reading