It has been a long, hard winter.
January and February always bring the doldrums.
This year, it has felt more…stuck. More empty.
I have been beating myself over the “stuck-ness.” Asking, “Why? Why can’t I let this shit go? Why can’t I just move on? Do I like it? Has it all just become my identity?” Continue reading
Bump. Blip. Hurdle. Stumble.
Call it what you want.
Here, I am. Continue reading
The feeling that has been dominating me lately…
…it isn’t anxiety.
…it isn’t sadness.
It is emptiness.
I feel empty. Continue reading
It’s for the best, they say.
As if it is simple.
That easy to believe.
Say it, and it is true. Continue reading
A funny thing has happened to me.
For years–my whole life, really–I kept all of my secrets. I rarely talked about what my childhood was like, or how hard it felt. When I did, I framed it in terms of my resilience…as in, Hey! All these things happened to me, but I turned out okay.
It wasn’t until almost two years ago (in three months I will have been in therapy for TWO YEARS…wow.), that I started to acknowledge things. Continue reading
I had coffee after work yesterday with my priest.
He is my priest, but he is also my friend. His wife is one of the important people in my life…a supporter, a role model, a real friend.
The boundaries are fuzzy…but suffice it to say that I have a deep love for my friend and her family…including her husband, who also happens to be the person who helps me navigate aspects of my spiritual life.
That is how I can describe my days lately.
Things at home? Things at home have been better. My husband is trying so hard. I have torn down my walls and let him in. I am letting him hold me. I am asking him to kiss me deeply. I am trying to feel the connection and love between us.
I am trying. I owe him that, after building a life with him for the last 12 years. I owe him one more chance.