I’ve been avoiding writing lately. Why? I do not know. Other than, it is always easier for me to write–or really, necessary, for me to write, when I am depressed or hurting.
And, perhaps, that it is it. I am not depressed and hurting any more.
Don’t get me wrong. My stress level as of late has been pretty incredible. There is no tired like end of the school year tired. My days have been a blur of field trips, field days, graduations, assemblies, parties, and behaviors.
It has been EXHAUSTING, and I have been in total survival mode. Continue reading
A week ago, the most amazing thing happened to me.
It was so empowering, so moving…that I haven’t even been able to write about it until now. I had to keep it–secure, and close to my heart–just to me.
Bump. Blip. Hurdle. Stumble.
Call it what you want.
Here, I am. Continue reading
I am here.
Sometimes, I forget that.
Sometimes, I feel so…unimportant…wrapped up in the mundane…that it is easy to forget that I am more than just part of a cog in a wheel.
But, I am.
I am here.
I am going to try to write and process something that is rather difficult for me.
Yesterday, I finally had a chance to do another EMDR session. Once again, I concentrated on my fear of abandonment, and the chronic belief that I am unworthy of love.
The session began with the same triggering moment that always seems to surface–the day, right before 3rd grade–that my grandmother gave my brother and I “back” to my mom. The day she left us…the day that I panicked, and experienced what must have been my very first panic attack.
It is familiar. I have written and written and written about it.
I know that it is a moment. And I have been desperate to dig deeper and try to understand why I am so anxious about losing important relationships. Why I spiral down into a dark hole when I fear I’ve messed up. Why I need reassurance that things are okay. Continue reading
A year ago, I was breaking through. I saw the tunnel. I saw the end. I thought I had reached it. 2017 was coming for me. I was ready. I was ready to kick 2016 to the curb and welcome a good year.
I turned 30. 30 and 2017 were going to be my year.
I have had one hell of a…month?
Maybe a year?
However long it has been, I have been especially worried and especially stressed.
This weekend, my husband and I took a trip away. It was nice. We have been able to focus just on us. Lately, there has been a lot of static around our relationship…a lot of focus on what I am going to do, what I want, and why. Continue reading