Disappointment

No matter how old you are, or how much you prepare for it…disappointment is hard.

Yesterday, I interviewed for a teaching job that I wanted more than anything. I wanted this job because the very idea of having a job so early, secured and waiting for me, would give me immense peace of mind. I wanted this job because my heart desires, so much, to make a true difference in the lives of children, and this position entailed working with a population of kids who are desperately in need of support and love.

The interview went well. I could have sold myself more. I could have been less nervous–but I was me. Authentic, passionate, and enthusiastic.

This morning, I got the call and heard the words no one likes to hear…the position had been filled. AKA…not with me.  Continue reading

How I’ve been defined

Yesterday, I embarked on another EMDR journey–this time, in an attempt to get to the bottom of my perfectionism. The journey itself was not as traumatic and difficult as some of the others have been, and images did come swimming before my closed eyes. One image–of a high cinder block wall that I was trying to scale, jump off of, and leave behind–seems especially relevant in my attempt to escape my little town, where I was known, had history, and, most likely, very few secrets. Breaking into my cliquish peer group as an outsider was never something that I feel like I completely achieved, and my experiences of being bullied, not fitting in, and then trying to prove myself and be better than some of them, certainly contributed to my feelings of inferiority and judgment.

So, while this was telling to me, these are not the moments that stood out to me during this EMDR session. Continue reading