Mountains and Valleys

Highs and lows.

Smooth and bumpy.

That is life.

It isn’t a straight line. Continue reading

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And suddenly, I am there.

A week ago, the most amazing thing happened to me.

It was so empowering, so moving…that I haven’t even been able to write about it until now. I had to keep it–secure, and close to my heart–just to me.

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Finding Family

Ever since I was a young girl who recognized that my family did not love the way that is “normal,” I have been seeking.

Seeking that love from my own blood–pleasing and changing myself to fit into the mold that might, maybe, possibly, (but never really) be enough.

And, seeking that love from others. Hoping, each day, to find a person who could help me see my own value.

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Targeting the trigger

Over the next few weeks, I have planned some really intensive EMDR work that ought to help me work through my feelings of “stuckness.”

I’m approaching these appointments apprehensively…for me, EMDR is rigorous and exhausting. It is emotionally overwhelming and draining all at the same time.

But, without hesitation, I can say it works. After each session, it feels as if some part of my path has been cleared, making it easier to take a few more steps forward, edging ever closer to the elusive other side. Continue reading

Weathering the Storm

As I was teaching science to my students the other day, discussing earth’s changes, I started to think of the term “weathering.” The way I teach it, weathering is what happens when a cliff is hit by a wave repeatedly…slowly, over time, the water wears the cliff away.

I realized…I feel like the cliff. The waves hit, again and again, as I remain steadfast. Slowly, over time, the waves change me…but the process in and of itself is not a fast one.

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Anchored

Raw, exhausted, and unfiltered, I arrived at my therapist’s office yesterday. I sat in my familiar spot, really just feeling…overwhelmed? Matter of fact? Drained?

All those things.

You see, feeling stuck is a hard thing for me. I think A LOT. I wonder. I wonder if I want to be stuck. I wonder if moving on is scary because that means people won’t help me anymore. Then, I get mad at myself for wondering if that is a possibility–how could I be that unhealthy?

Is that even why?

Yesterday, I did another EMDR session. I focused on an image of me–barely treading water, sticking my head out, trying to breathe. That image embodies the magnitude of emotion–overwhelmed, holding on for dear life.

Surviving. Continue reading

STUCK.

Where have I been?

The desire to write has been sucked out of me lately.

I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Usually, if I am feeling angsty and pained, writing is my outlet. If I’m not writing, I’m probably feeling better.

…But, I don’t think that is the case.

No…instead, I think I am just stuck. Unsure of what I feel. Or if I feel.

And then, at other moments, feeling too much.  Continue reading