I took a magnificent trip this summer.
It was not without its own difficulties. It was my first time leaving the country. My first time leaving my family for more than two or three days.
There were a lot of firsts.
I did not know how I would handle this trip. The growing, healing part of myself was ready to take this adventure head on. To prove to myself that I could.
The scared, anxious part of myself was worried. The What ifs?? were loud and present.
I’m tired but, against my better judgment, I am staying up to write this.
The last few days have been traumatic.
It started in the middle of the night…those weird, transitional hours between Wednesday and Thursday. There was coughing. I felt my husband move out of bed and murmur. And then, a shaky scream for help.
I dashed out of bed, awake in a flash. I peeked into the bathroom…blood. Blood was everywhere.
Our brains are really tricky organs.
I have been at a point, for awhile now, where I know what is causing my anxiety. However, despite being cognitively aware of some of the causes, and trying to talk myself down logically, my body reacts on autopilot.
Breaking that script is difficult. Continue reading
I’ve always been the type of person to avoid confrontation. For me, it is more than just unpleasant–it is emotionally fueled, painful, and anxiety provoking.
It has always been easier…better…to just be the peacemaker. The nurturer.
I was cultivated into this role from an early age. The first person that I tried to avoid confrontation with is a person that I still try to avoid confrontation with: my mother.
Writing has always been my outlet. It is my way of venting, of processing…of figuring out what I am even thinking.
One side effect of this, however, is that I tend to write more frequently when I feel bad. The emotions during tumultuous times need to be let out…so I hit the keyboard.
Lately? Lately I have been feeling a lot better. Not perfect. I have noticed spans of melancholy and I can easily fall back into old, not-so-healthy patterns. But, overall, my need to write has been less.
Today, however, that need felt big again. I felt that overwhelming desire to get on my computer and start typing away. I have something to say. Continue reading
I am a many layered entity.
There have been many times throughout this journey to healing where I have thought I have reached my center, only to be surprised to discover more layers of complexities underneath.
Diligently, I have peeled back layer after layer. Gruelingly, grudgingly, and guardedly, at times. Happily, laughingly, and interestedly, at others.
The fact, however, remains: finding the center is hard to do… Continue reading
I have been an irritable, grumpy person lately.
Life has been stressful, for no really great reasons.
My anxiety has felt okay.
It’s just that melancholy creeps in.
Some days? It overtakes me.