Seeing the cycle

Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.

Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.

You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.

If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.

But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.

Targeting the trigger

Over the next few weeks, I have planned some really intensive EMDR work that ought to help me work through my feelings of “stuckness.”

I’m approaching these appointments apprehensively…for me, EMDR is rigorous and exhausting. It is emotionally overwhelming and draining all at the same time.

But, without hesitation, I can say it works. After each session, it feels as if some part of my path has been cleared, making it easier to take a few more steps forward, edging ever closer to the elusive other side.

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 5: Making the Unconscious Conscious

So, despite my recent case of the winter blues, I have continued to read my latest self-help book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, by Peg Streep.

Chapter 6 is a chapter I had been eagerly anticipating–it discusses the hidden obstacles within the unloved daughter–those unconscious patterns of behaviors…that hidden “script” that our bodies–our emotions–automatically flip to when we react.

I have been fighting this unconscious script since I started therapy two years ago–I’ve gotten really good at identifying the patterns and the behaviors, but I have continually asked myself: HOW? How do I STOP hearing the mean voice? Or panicking at the thought of messing up and losing someone? Or ____?

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 4: Patterns and Partners

Reading through chapter 5 of Peg Streep’s book, Daughter Detox, took me longer than I anticipated.

Christmas break is over, students are back, and I have been exhausted as I try to get my body back into a routine. Reading and writing, sadly, took a backseat over the last week.

Thank goodness for the weekend!

So–chapter 5 deals with the distinguishing phase. In other words, it deals with the way the patterns of behavior we developed during childhood interfere with our relationships today.

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 3: How mom’s behavior shapes yours

I am continuing to read my way through Peg Streep’s book, Daughter Detox. Chapter 4 deals not with how your mother treated you, but how you responded to the way she treated you.

If you have spent any amount of time around children, you probably know that children can react to the same incident in many different ways. The same is true, after all, for adults.

As a teacher, I see it all the time–we have the students who are externalizers–they are the ones that act out. They might act out in many different ways–yelling, screaming, throwing, running around…this type of acting out is pretty familiar to most people. We see it and we hear about it often.

Then, we have students who are internalizers. They get quiet. They withdraw. They hold everything that is hurting them, or scaring them, deep inside.

What child were you? 

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part Two: All in the family

As the end of my Christmas break neared, I found myself increasingly pulled into Peg Streep’s latest book, Daughter Detox. 

Earlier I wrote about my reflections from Part One, with focused on discovering the power of attachment and maternal power. 

Chapter three focuses on the first part of stage two: Discernment.

Discernment relates to the way in which the unloved daughter can consider her family’s relational patterns, and chapter three looks specifically at family ripple effects…how did her parents interact? What was the relationship with her siblings like? Did she have any supportive people in her life?

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 1: Maternal Power

It’s 2018, ya’ll!

On December 31, 2016, I was cursing the end of a hell of a year. I was ready to kick it to the curb and embrace 2017–I had just turned 30, I was going to go on an amazing trip in May…this was going to be MY. YEAR.

Well.

I’m always an idealist.

Truth was, 2017 was still hard. In different ways. But, painful ways.

I continued to grow. I continued to learn more about myself…yet remained fixed in the pain and unable to let it go. I made mistakes, questioned my relationships, and struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be.

2018 will be a year where I am much more realistic.

Guess what? I am not perfect.

But guess what else? I know this. I also know that I do NOT have to have everything all figured out RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. I can just be in the NOW.

First up on my 2018 agenda?? Learning to get over the wounds of my childhood. The wounds that run so deep, and are related–so much so–to my mother and our relationship.

I am going to learn how to believe that I am lovable.

To start, I purchased and have begun reading a new book, called Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep.

As I read this book, I am continually surprised at how RIGHT ON the descriptions are. Like, literally, I can pick myself right off the page…I am reading the text and think, Oh my god…that is SO me.

It is both sobering and refreshing.

As I read, I am going to use my blog as a journal–reflecting on what I am learning and processing my way through the pages…and by the end, I hope that I will finally be able to let the pain go.