Ever since I was a young girl who recognized that my family did not love the way that is “normal,” I have been seeking.
Seeking that love from my own blood–pleasing and changing myself to fit into the mold that might, maybe, possibly, (but never really) be enough.
And, seeking that love from others. Hoping, each day, to find a person who could help me see my own value.
Over the next few weeks, I have planned some really intensive EMDR work that ought to help me work through my feelings of “stuckness.”
I’m approaching these appointments apprehensively…for me, EMDR is rigorous and exhausting. It is emotionally overwhelming and draining all at the same time.
But, without hesitation, I can say it works. After each session, it feels as if some part of my path has been cleared, making it easier to take a few more steps forward, edging ever closer to the elusive other side. Continue reading
As I was teaching science to my students the other day, discussing earth’s changes, I started to think of the term “weathering.” The way I teach it, weathering is what happens when a cliff is hit by a wave repeatedly…slowly, over time, the water wears the cliff away.
I realized…I feel like the cliff. The waves hit, again and again, as I remain steadfast. Slowly, over time, the waves change me…but the process in and of itself is not a fast one.
Where have I been?
The desire to write has been sucked out of me lately.
I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Usually, if I am feeling angsty and pained, writing is my outlet. If I’m not writing, I’m probably feeling better.
…But, I don’t think that is the case.
No…instead, I think I am just stuck. Unsure of what I feel. Or if I feel.
And then, at other moments, feeling too much. Continue reading
I can’t feel anything small.
For the last month or so, right on track for the last two years, I have been hit with the winter blues.
Or, I don’t know, perhaps it is something more.
It’s that deep, dark hole.
The one where I stand at the bottom, looking up at the light, unable to climb out on my own. Continue reading
Reading through chapter 5 of Peg Streep’s book, Daughter Detox, took me longer than I anticipated.
Christmas break is over, students are back, and I have been exhausted as I try to get my body back into a routine. Reading and writing, sadly, took a backseat over the last week.
Thank goodness for the weekend!
So–chapter 5 deals with the distinguishing phase. In other words, it deals with the way the patterns of behavior we developed during childhood interfere with our relationships today.
A year ago, I was breaking through. I saw the tunnel. I saw the end. I thought I had reached it. 2017 was coming for me. I was ready. I was ready to kick 2016 to the curb and welcome a good year.
I turned 30. 30 and 2017 were going to be my year.