Life is Heavy

I have been needing to write for ages.

But, I haven’t been able to.

Life has been so heavy, in so many ways.

It is more than just Co-Vid 19 (though, that has been huge). It is also the absolute discord that this virus, our president, and everything else that has been thrust upon us. Continue reading

The difficulty in loving me.

This morning, as I lay in my bed, my mind wandered to all of the heavy thoughts that have been weighing me down. I gave a sigh, feeling the familiar pain of sadness and emotion in my chest and my stomach, and blinked the tears from my eyes.

Image result for i am learning to love myself. it is the hardest thing I've ever had to doI have not been okay. I am hurting–and grieving–and feeling close to hopeless.

Lately, the dysfunction of my relationships has been at the forefront of my mind. I have been struggling with the idea, again, that there is something wrong with me.

And then I realized something–there IS something wrong with me.
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My perfectionism is trying to kill me…

…okay, from my title, we all know I tend to exaggerate.

But seriously. what-do-you-4d6bpu

School started again a little less than two weeks ago. I am entering my final year of my teacher prep program, and this semester means that I am required to be in class 4 nights a week until 9 pm. It is a full load of classes with a cohort group, and each class is compressed into a week to two weeks. So, it is a lot of deadlines, full days, and stress. Continue reading

Getting healthy amidst the dysfunction

Every day, I feel my mind and my heart getting stronger. Every day, I realize that I am on a path to finding “me” and, finally, I have begun to enjoy this journey.

One thing I did not consider, however, is the way my relationships would change because  I have begun this journey. During therapy, my own family dysfunction has glared at me, and I have learned how to stare it down…and, believe it or not, I feel like I am winning.

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The pain of letting it out.

I have lived a lot of my life keeping quiet. Holding it all in. Talking about the crap that has happened to me has never been something that I have done.

Counseling has changed that–it has helped me put the pieces of my life back together, and it is helping me find the confidence to speak up AND to be okay again.

In the spirit of “speaking up,” I recently made a vulnerable confession to my grandmother. She was talking about my childhood and my mother, and I used this opportunity to share that I was seeing a counselor and ask her questions–I wondered if my memories matched up with her’s.  Continue reading