For close to two years, my marriage has been heavily weighing on me.
I have looked at other couples, filled with jealously at what it is they have. The closeness. The intimacy. The connection.
I have felt lonely in my own home. A house with people in it, but no one to really talk to. Continue reading
Therapy is such a process.
There have been times when I have wondered: Is it time to be done?
The reality? I still have a long way to go.
I had been doing a lot better. I had been having much longer spaces between therapy sessions…from weekly, to twice a month, to once every three weeks, to, almost, once a month.
But then, another setback.
The last week has been difficult.
I was triggered by some sad events that made shoving down painful memories difficult. The memories mounted, and my anxiety got higher and higher. Life was already hectic and crazy–a new job, new routines, stressful home life, money problems…all of it. Oh, and I was also sick with a cold.
By Friday, I knew that I was entering a space I didn’t really want to enter. The dark, depressive hole was in front of me, and I could easily see myself falling into it. Continue reading
I am good at hiding my pain.
I always have been.
Since May, I have been on a path towards something better. I have had someone in my life who started making a difference. Giving me her support, in small–but, for me, giant–ways.
And goodness, that support flipped a switch for me.
I’ve always been the type of person to avoid confrontation. For me, it is more than just unpleasant–it is emotionally fueled, painful, and anxiety provoking.
It has always been easier…better…to just be the peacemaker. The nurturer.
I was cultivated into this role from an early age. The first person that I tried to avoid confrontation with is a person that I still try to avoid confrontation with: my mother.
Personal growth is a journey that requires the shedding of many things–old habits, negative thinking, and certain people.
Learning which people should be in my life–which ones deserve my time and love and energy–that has been a growing process in and of itself. Continue reading
Healing is a constant journey–one that has felt anything but easy for me.
Since the middle of January, I have been struggling. Anytime I struggle, I get filled with frustration, shame, embarrassment, and anger–at myself.
Over and over and over again, I have asked myself: Why is it so hard to let some of this go? Why am I so stuck in this struggle?