Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.
It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.
It’s just not.
It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.
Right now, I am in the latter category.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.
I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.
It was A WEEK. Continue reading
Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.
Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.
You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.
If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.
But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.
Life has been exceptionally noisy lately.
My fingers have been itching to hit this keyboard all summer long, yet, over and over again, I have stopped myself as I’ve opened the computer.
I felt like I had nothing to say. Continue reading
Trauma is a funny thing.
As I have worked my way through the many, many layers of my own story, I have learned many interesting facts about childhood trauma and discovered many of the reasons why I behave the way I do.
Yet, I still find myself feeling surprised when the sub-conscious takes over and I revert back to those past, safe coping mechanisms.
A week ago, the most amazing thing happened to me.
It was so empowering, so moving…that I haven’t even been able to write about it until now. I had to keep it–secure, and close to my heart–just to me.
For close to two years, my marriage has been heavily weighing on me.
I have looked at other couples, filled with jealously at what it is they have. The closeness. The intimacy. The connection.
I have felt lonely in my own home. A house with people in it, but no one to really talk to. Continue reading
Therapy is such a process.
There have been times when I have wondered: Is it time to be done?
The reality? I still have a long way to go.
I had been doing a lot better. I had been having much longer spaces between therapy sessions…from weekly, to twice a month, to once every three weeks, to, almost, once a month.
But then, another setback.
The last week has been difficult.
I was triggered by some sad events that made shoving down painful memories difficult. The memories mounted, and my anxiety got higher and higher. Life was already hectic and crazy–a new job, new routines, stressful home life, money problems…all of it. Oh, and I was also sick with a cold.
By Friday, I knew that I was entering a space I didn’t really want to enter. The dark, depressive hole was in front of me, and I could easily see myself falling into it. Continue reading