Sundays.

Sundays are always hard for me.

The weekend is over. The new week and all of its tasks are looming.

But loneliness is the real killer.

Maybe then…

I went away on a girls’ trip this weekend with a good friend. It was a great way to refresh and take it easy. The scenery was beautiful, the accommodations were beyond comfortable, and the camaraderie was welcomed and needed.

The downside was that I had too much time to reflect and overthink.

A mighty struggle

Since I started teaching in August, I have been tackling a lot of triggers.It has felt very multifaceted…

It is related to the school where I am teaching–one that I actually attended as a child. It is related to what I went through. It is related to who I felt supported by–teachers–always teachers. It is also related to who I am teaching now, and how much I am able to help and support them.

Let me give you a hint…for my struggling students, the ones who remind me of me? Or the ones that have it way worse than I ever had it?

…I am never able to help them enough.

And that hurts my heart.

Drained and empty

I went to work today and ended up calling in a substitute and driving home early.

…I just couldn’t make it through the day. My anxiety has been terrible. My heart is hurting. And my mind refuses to find distraction.

It all weighs so much. So much to carry. It makes me feel ill.

Nothing is as heavy as shame

My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.

I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.

But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.

Shame. 

Another hard day

Today was another hard day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was plagued by weird and vivid dreams, and woke frequently. My 5am alarm sounded way too soon and was not a welcome noise.

I dragged myself out of bed. Got ready for work. Pulled out of my driveway at 6:40 and headed for school.

I could feel the drag. I could feel the irritability. I could feel the emotions and darkness…right there, on the edge, where they have been lingering so recently.

Accepted and Connected

The last week has been difficult.

I was triggered by some sad events that made shoving down painful memories difficult. The memories mounted, and my anxiety got higher and higher. Life was already hectic and crazy–a new job, new routines, stressful home life, money problems…all of it. Oh, and I was also sick with a cold.

By Friday, I knew that I was entering a space I didn’t really want to enter. The dark, depressive hole was in front of me, and I could easily see myself falling into it.

Pain

I am good at hiding my pain.

I always have been.

Since May, I have been on a path towards something better. I have had someone in my life who started making a difference. Giving me her support, in small–but, for me, giant–ways.

And goodness, that support flipped a switch for me.

Here, I am.

I have been utterly, exhaustively, busy.

The last month has been a shuffle of back to school for my whole family…

Teaching is no joke, especially for a perfectionist like myself.