Stillness

Yesterday, I had the most amazing experience.

I have always loved the ocean. Since I was a young child, it has been one of my happy places–a place where I feel free and joyous.

Yesterday, my love for the ocean grew. I got to experience something that has always been on my bucket list, but that, until now, I haven’t had the opportunity to do. Continue reading

Finding my center

I think I realized today that, though I am in another country, all of my baggage (both literal and figurative) arrived with me.

I am not sure what I expected… Part of me believed that I would arrive and feel like a completely different person. After all, I am in a completely different country, a completely different environment, and immersed in a completely different language. Continue reading

Instability

Yesterday, I had an EMDR session.

I sat in a chair, across from my therapist, whom I love and trust, and boarded the train I hate to ride.

The train started at the earliest place where I could remember feeling desperate and panicked at being abandoned. It was the day my brother and I were taken out of my mother’s custody. A Christmas morning, punctured by screaming and hitting, and an angry man with a baseball bat. What I remember most was my older brother–a fifth grader–crying and frantically calling my grandmother, begging her to come and get us.

Continue reading

Affirmations

Hope is a powerful, healing force.

It has been coming back to me lately. But, I am also sad to admit that there are still plenty of moments where I am struggling. Where I feel the ache and the loneliness.

The weekend is always one of those times. I do great when I keep busy, but as soon as the day quiets, and I have time to think, the overwhelming feelings wash over me. Continue reading