Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.
I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.
Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.
Sundays are always hard for me.
The weekend is over. The new week and all of its tasks are looming.
But loneliness is the real killer. Continue reading
I went away on a girls’ trip this weekend with a good friend. It was a great way to refresh and take it easy. The scenery was beautiful, the accommodations were beyond comfortable, and the camaraderie was welcomed and needed.
The downside was that I had too much time to reflect and overthink. Continue reading
Since I started teaching in August, I have been tackling a lot of triggers.It has felt very multifaceted…
It is related to the school where I am teaching–one that I actually attended as a child. It is related to what I went through. It is related to who I felt supported by–teachers–always teachers. It is also related to who I am teaching now, and how much I am able to help and support them.
Let me give you a hint…for my struggling students, the ones who remind me of me? Or the ones that have it way worse than I ever had it?
…I am never able to help them enough.
And that hurts my heart. Continue reading
I went to work today and ended up calling in a substitute and driving home early.
…I just couldn’t make it through the day. My anxiety has been terrible. My heart is hurting. And my mind refuses to find distraction.
It all weighs so much. So much to carry. It makes me feel ill.
My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.
I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.
But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.
Shame. Continue reading
Today was another hard day.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I was plagued by weird and vivid dreams, and woke frequently. My 5am alarm sounded way too soon and was not a welcome noise.
I dragged myself out of bed. Got ready for work. Pulled out of my driveway at 6:40 and headed for school.
I could feel the drag. I could feel the irritability. I could feel the emotions and darkness…right there, on the edge, where they have been lingering so recently.