Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

Continue reading

Advertisements

A mighty struggle

Since I started teaching in August, I have been tackling a lot of triggers.It has felt very multifaceted…

It is related to the school where I am teaching–one that I actually attended as a child. It is related to what I went through. It is related to who I felt supported by–teachers–always teachers. It is also related to who I am teaching now, and how much I am able to help and support them.

Let me give you a hint…for my struggling students, the ones who remind me of me? Or the ones that have it way worse than I ever had it?

…I am never able to help them enough.

And that hurts my heart. Continue reading

Nothing is as heavy as shame

shame, as we heal, we can replace shame with compassion for ourselves and for what happened to us.My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.

I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.

But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.

Shame.  Continue reading

Another hard day

Today was another hard day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was plagued by weird and vivid dreams, and woke frequently. My 5am alarm sounded way too soon and was not a welcome noise.

I dragged myself out of bed. Got ready for work. Pulled out of my driveway at 6:40 and headed for school.

I could feel the drag. I could feel the irritability. I could feel the emotions and darkness…right there, on the edge, where they have been lingering so recently.

Continue reading