It’s always about her.

It has been a long, hard winter.

January and February always bring the doldrums.

This year, it has felt more…stuck. More empty.

I have been beating myself over the “stuck-ness.” Asking, “Why? Why can’t I let this shit go? Why can’t I just move on? Do I like it? Has it all just become my identity?” Continue reading

STUCK.

Where have I been?

The desire to write has been sucked out of me lately.

I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Usually, if I am feeling angsty and pained, writing is my outlet. If I’m not writing, I’m probably feeling better.

…But, I don’t think that is the case.

No…instead, I think I am just stuck. Unsure of what I feel. Or if I feel.

And then, at other moments, feeling too much.  Continue reading

Let’s talk about FORGIVENESS

I have undoubtedly been having a difficult time as of late.

It is a lot of things, truthfully. Relationships are hard. I am at this point where I am so cognizant of the things that I do automatically (like talking to myself negatively) and yet, I cannot quite get to a point where I can stop doing that.

For example–I know I shouldn’t rely on other people for my worth. I know that can lead to a lot of emptiness and that it subjects me to the whims of other people. Yet, I still feel a lot. I worry about my relationships. I internalize negative beliefs about myself in my marriage (for example, I am not sexy enough. I am fat. I can’t turn my husband on because I am gross). I worry about abandonment and the inevitable moment when people that I love will see me the way that I see me…and then I will lose them.

I worry about being alone.

And yet…I also know that, to be healthy, I shouldn’t worry about any of these things.

It. Is. Frustrating. Continue reading

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part Two: All in the family

As the end of my Christmas break neared, I found myself increasingly pulled into Peg Streep’s latest book, Daughter Detox. 

Earlier I wrote about my reflections from Part One, with focused on discovering the power of attachment and maternal power. 

Chapter three focuses on the first part of stage two: Discernment.

Discernment relates to the way in which the unloved daughter can consider her family’s relational patterns, and chapter three looks specifically at family ripple effects…how did her parents interact? What was the relationship with her siblings like? Did she have any supportive people in her life? Continue reading

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 1: Maternal Power

It’s 2018, ya’ll!

On December 31, 2016, I was cursing the end of a hell of a year. I was ready to kick it to the curb and embrace 2017–I had just turned 30, I was going to go on an amazing trip in May…this was going to be MY. YEAR.

Well.

I’m always an idealist.

Truth was, 2017 was still hard. In different ways. But, painful ways.

I continued to grow. I continued to learn more about myself…yet remained fixed in the pain and unable to let it go. I made mistakes, questioned my relationships, and struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be.

2018 will be a year where I am much more realistic.

Guess what? I am not perfect.

But guess what else? I know this. I also know that I do NOT have to have everything all figured out RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. I can just be in the NOW.

First up on my 2018 agenda?? Learning to get over the wounds of my childhood. The wounds that run so deep, and are related–so much so–to my mother and our relationship.

I am going to learn how to believe that I am lovable.

To start, I purchased and have begun reading a new book, called Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep.

As I read this book, I am continually surprised at how RIGHT ON the descriptions are. Like, literally, I can pick myself right off the page…I am reading the text and think, Oh my god…that is SO me.

It is both sobering and refreshing.

As I read, I am going to use my blog as a journal–reflecting on what I am learning and processing my way through the pages…and by the end, I hope that I will finally be able to let the pain go. Continue reading

Worry and Stress. Stress and Worry.

I have had one hell of a…month?

Maybe a year?

However long it has been, I have been especially worried and especially stressed.

This weekend, my husband and I took a trip away. It was nice. We have been able to focus just on us. Lately, there has been a lot of static around our relationship…a lot of focus on what I am going to do, what I want, and why. Continue reading

Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

Continue reading