When I started the therapy process, I was hesitant to admit any of my past wounds. I wanted to focus on the present–find strategies to overcome all of the panic and anxiety I had been suffering from.
However, my amazing therapist had other plans. She knew that the reason I was experiencing panic and anxiety in the first place was because I had some kind of underlying trauma–even if I didn’t want to go there.
And then, despite all my hesitation, my panic led me there. I wanted to run and hide, but the expectation of possibly having to spill out my past threw me into a whole new level of panic. I found myself back on the phone, back in her office, much more quickly than I expected. Continue reading
Life has been more or less “okay.”
There are inevitable ups and downs. There are moments of relative calm, and also moments of deep vulnerability.
Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.
It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.
It’s just not.
It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.
Right now, I am in the latter category.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.
I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.
It was A WEEK. Continue reading
Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.
Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.
You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.
If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.
But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.
Life has been exceptionally noisy lately.
My fingers have been itching to hit this keyboard all summer long, yet, over and over again, I have stopped myself as I’ve opened the computer.
I felt like I had nothing to say. Continue reading
It has been with mounting excitement that I viewed the calendar over the last few weeks. Somehow, without really knowing HOW the year went so quickly, it was already April.
Teachers are quite tuned into the school calendar. Summer is usually met with relief, excitement, and exhaustion.
The last day of school, though? Ahhh. It is such a bittersweet day. A vulnerable day.
To me, anxiety has always been part of who I am. Nerves, worry, IBS…it’s been called different things, but I’ve always had it.
Managing it is a process. At times, it is terrible and affecting all parts of my life. At other times, it is in the background–there, but at a level that makes me more productive.
PANIC, on the other hand, is a totally different beast. Continue reading
When I first started this blog, my emotional health was at an all time low. I was a DISASTER (thus the blog name). But, bravely, I continued to pursue healing and therapy. Day after day, week after week, and month after month.
Progress occurred, but in my mind it was slow and hard. Therapy is hard work, man. It is deep, soul-wrenching, earth shattering, WORK.
Luckily, I was graced with the most amazing therapist to guide me through the process. Oooohhh, the patience this amazing woman had/has for me will never cease to blow my mind. I challenged her, I clung to her, I pushed her away…always so sure she would abandon me, too.
Through her steadfast faith in me, I grew. I, slowly, began to heal. I began to need her less and less, and gained faith in myself and my other relationships.
Healing work will never be done. That is something I learned the hard way. There will never be a magic day where I wake up and realize, “I am healed!”
No…life is a spectrum, and I will always have some struggles–but, I can say confidently that I am on the other side of the spectrum. Continue reading