Raw, exhausted, and unfiltered, I arrived at my therapist’s office yesterday. I sat in my familiar spot, really just feeling…overwhelmed? Matter of fact? Drained?
All those things.
You see, feeling stuck is a hard thing for me. I think A LOT. I wonder. I wonder if I want to be stuck. I wonder if moving on is scary because that means people won’t help me anymore. Then, I get mad at myself for wondering if that is a possibility–how could I be that unhealthy?
Is that even why?
Yesterday, I did another EMDR session. I focused on an image of me–barely treading water, sticking my head out, trying to breathe. That image embodies the magnitude of emotion–overwhelmed, holding on for dear life.
Surviving. Continue reading
It has been a long, hard winter.
January and February always bring the doldrums.
This year, it has felt more…stuck. More empty.
I have been beating myself over the “stuck-ness.” Asking, “Why? Why can’t I let this shit go? Why can’t I just move on? Do I like it? Has it all just become my identity?” Continue reading
Where have I been?
The desire to write has been sucked out of me lately.
I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Usually, if I am feeling angsty and pained, writing is my outlet. If I’m not writing, I’m probably feeling better.
…But, I don’t think that is the case.
No…instead, I think I am just stuck. Unsure of what I feel. Or if I feel.
And then, at other moments, feeling too much. Continue reading
I have undoubtedly been having a difficult time as of late.
It is a lot of things, truthfully. Relationships are hard. I am at this point where I am so cognizant of the things that I do automatically (like talking to myself negatively) and yet, I cannot quite get to a point where I can stop doing that.
For example–I know I shouldn’t rely on other people for my worth. I know that can lead to a lot of emptiness and that it subjects me to the whims of other people. Yet, I still feel a lot. I worry about my relationships. I internalize negative beliefs about myself in my marriage (for example, I am not sexy enough. I am fat. I can’t turn my husband on because I am gross). I worry about abandonment and the inevitable moment when people that I love will see me the way that I see me…and then I will lose them.
I worry about being alone.
And yet…I also know that, to be healthy, I shouldn’t worry about any of these things.
It. Is. Frustrating. Continue reading
I can’t feel anything small.
For the last month or so, right on track for the last two years, I have been hit with the winter blues.
Or, I don’t know, perhaps it is something more.
It’s that deep, dark hole.
The one where I stand at the bottom, looking up at the light, unable to climb out on my own. Continue reading
So, despite my recent case of the winter blues, I have continued to read my latest self-help book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, by Peg Streep.
Chapter 6 is a chapter I had been eagerly anticipating–it discusses the hidden obstacles within the unloved daughter–those unconscious patterns of behaviors…that hidden “script” that our bodies–our emotions–automatically flip to when we react.
I have been fighting this unconscious script since I started therapy two years ago–I’ve gotten really good at identifying the patterns and the behaviors, but I have continually asked myself: HOW? How do I STOP hearing the mean voice? Or panicking at the thought of messing up and losing someone? Or ____? Continue reading
Bump. Blip. Hurdle. Stumble.
Call it what you want.
Here, I am. Continue reading