Mending what is broken.

To mend what is broken is not a simple task.

I talk. I cry. I think. I grieve. I laugh. I toughen up.

I crack open.

And then I start all over again.  Continue reading

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And sometimes, there are only hard choices.

Nothing about growth has been linear. It has been an up and down process…almost circular at times.

I feel better. I lapse. I come back around to the same hurts I’ve been so diligently ignoring. They still hurt.

But something has changed: me.

Somehow, despite all my doubting and all of my insecurities….somehow, I have still gotten stronger.

Braver.

So, I come back around to the hurts…but, each time, I am a little more ready to handle them. To deal with them. Continue reading

Nothing is as heavy as shame

shame, as we heal, we can replace shame with compassion for ourselves and for what happened to us.My heart has been heavy lately with so many big emotions. I have been sensitive to the slightest changes in tone, behavior, action, and gesture.

I have done better with this fall-down than I have in years past–I am using my supports in better ways and I am aware of my most harmful patterns of thinking.

But. One thing just trips me up, over and over again.

Shame.  Continue reading

Another hard day

Today was another hard day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was plagued by weird and vivid dreams, and woke frequently. My 5am alarm sounded way too soon and was not a welcome noise.

I dragged myself out of bed. Got ready for work. Pulled out of my driveway at 6:40 and headed for school.

I could feel the drag. I could feel the irritability. I could feel the emotions and darkness…right there, on the edge, where they have been lingering so recently.

Continue reading

Hitting the Nail on the Head

Therapy is such a process.

There have been times when I have wondered: Is it time to be done?

The reality? I still have a long way to go.

I had been doing a lot better. I had been having much longer spaces between therapy sessions…from weekly, to twice a month, to once every three weeks, to, almost, once a month.

But then, another setback.

Continue reading

Accepted and Connected

The last week has been difficult.

I was triggered by some sad events that made shoving down painful memories difficult. The memories mounted, and my anxiety got higher and higher. Life was already hectic and crazy–a new job, new routines, stressful home life, money problems…all of it. Oh, and I was also sick with a cold.

By Friday, I knew that I was entering a space I didn’t really want to enter. The dark, depressive hole was in front of me, and I could easily see myself falling into it. Continue reading