It’s always about her.

It has been a long, hard winter.

January and February always bring the doldrums.

This year, it has felt more…stuck. More empty.

I have been beating myself over the “stuck-ness.” Asking, “Why? Why can’t I let this shit go? Why can’t I just move on? Do I like it? Has it all just become my identity?” Continue reading

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STUCK.

Where have I been?

The desire to write has been sucked out of me lately.

I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Usually, if I am feeling angsty and pained, writing is my outlet. If I’m not writing, I’m probably feeling better.

…But, I don’t think that is the case.

No…instead, I think I am just stuck. Unsure of what I feel. Or if I feel.

And then, at other moments, feeling too much.  Continue reading

Let’s talk about FORGIVENESS

I have undoubtedly been having a difficult time as of late.

It is a lot of things, truthfully. Relationships are hard. I am at this point where I am so cognizant of the things that I do automatically (like talking to myself negatively) and yet, I cannot quite get to a point where I can stop doing that.

For example–I know I shouldn’t rely on other people for my worth. I know that can lead to a lot of emptiness and that it subjects me to the whims of other people. Yet, I still feel a lot. I worry about my relationships. I internalize negative beliefs about myself in my marriage (for example, I am not sexy enough. I am fat. I can’t turn my husband on because I am gross). I worry about abandonment and the inevitable moment when people that I love will see me the way that I see me…and then I will lose them.

I worry about being alone.

And yet…I also know that, to be healthy, I shouldn’t worry about any of these things.

It. Is. Frustrating. Continue reading

Daughter Detox Reflections, Part 5: Making the Unconscious Conscious

So, despite my recent case of the winter blues, I have continued to read my latest self-help book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, by Peg Streep.

Chapter 6 is a chapter I had been eagerly anticipating–it discusses the hidden obstacles within the unloved daughter–those unconscious patterns of behaviors…that hidden “script” that our bodies–our emotions–automatically flip to when we react.

I have been fighting this unconscious script since I started therapy two years ago–I’ve gotten really good at identifying the patterns and the behaviors, but I have continually asked myself: HOW? How do I STOP hearing the mean voice? Or panicking at the thought of messing up and losing someone? Or ____? Continue reading