I’m not just tired.

I have been complaining of my lack of motivation for awhile now.

Honestly, I have felt pretty flat-lined–like I am just surviving my days. Not feeling too low, but never feeling too high, either. And, when I do feel, I tend to swing to depressed.

Last night, I went to my friend’s house to visit. I did not go over until about 7pm, and I really had to talk myself into doing it.

I AM ALWAYS TIRED.

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When the walls go up

Trauma is a funny thing.

As I have worked my way through the many, many layers of my own story, I have learned many interesting facts about childhood trauma and discovered many of the reasons why I behave the way I do.

Yet, I still find myself feeling surprised when the sub-conscious takes over and I revert back to those past, safe coping mechanisms.

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Meds

Tonight, I am a mess.

A struggling, emotional, scared mess.

As a teacher, I recently had a few weeks off for the holidays. Days were busy–a combination of Christmas, traveling, and getting back on track with workouts. (Because, you know, I have somehow gained more weight than I want to admit). Somehow, in the chaos of it all, I began to forget to take my antidepressant.

Last Monday, I woke up and had to go back to work. As I went through my usual morning routine, I suddenly realized that it had been at least a week or a week and a half since I last swallowed that little pill.

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Family

Winter is always a hard season for me. Lack of sunshine, coupled with no ocean in sight, is hard for this beach girl’s soul.

Usually, Christmas is a time where I pep up, though. I love Christmas decorations, love the excitement, and believe that the only day it should snow is Christmas morning.

This journey of growth has truly been one of becoming–and one of shedding the things that don’t serve me. Continue reading

Growing, but not glowing

Everyday, I can see the progress I’ve made.

That, in and of itself, seems like a miracle at times. For so very long, I felt absolutely STUCK. Progress felt impossible, far-fetched, and highly unlikely.

And yet.

Day by day. Minute by grueling minute. I. Kept. Going.

And slowly, ever so slowly, life started to shift.

My anxiety became easier to control. I started to get some of my confidence back. I started to no longer need my therapist to hold my hand through every moment.  Continue reading