Are we ever really healed?

Summer has started and I have quickly discovered that I do not do well with rest and relaxation. That sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

Yet, it’s true. I find small things to feel stressed over. I find ways to make myself busy. I over-analyze people and what they say.

I struggle to just sit and enjoy the quiet and the calm.

I don’t do calm well. It isn’t the norm for me. Continue reading

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More Me.

I’ve been avoiding writing lately. Why? I do not know. Other than, it is always easier for me to write–or really, necessary, for me to write, when I am depressed or hurting.

And, perhaps, that it is it. I am not depressed and hurting any more.

Don’t get me wrong. My stress level as of late has been pretty incredible. There is no tired like end of the school year tired. My days have been a blur of field trips, field days, graduations, assemblies, parties, and behaviors.

It has been EXHAUSTING, and I have been in total survival mode. Continue reading

Finding Family

Ever since I was a young girl who recognized that my family did not love the way that is “normal,” I have been seeking.

Seeking that love from my own blood–pleasing and changing myself to fit into the mold that might, maybe, possibly, (but never really) be enough.

And, seeking that love from others. Hoping, each day, to find a person who could help me see my own value.

Continue reading

Targeting the trigger

Over the next few weeks, I have planned some really intensive EMDR work that ought to help me work through my feelings of “stuckness.”

I’m approaching these appointments apprehensively…for me, EMDR is rigorous and exhausting. It is emotionally overwhelming and draining all at the same time.

But, without hesitation, I can say it works. After each session, it feels as if some part of my path has been cleared, making it easier to take a few more steps forward, edging ever closer to the elusive other side. Continue reading

Weathering the Storm

As I was teaching science to my students the other day, discussing earth’s changes, I started to think of the term “weathering.” The way I teach it, weathering is what happens when a cliff is hit by a wave repeatedly…slowly, over time, the water wears the cliff away.

I realized…I feel like the cliff. The waves hit, again and again, as I remain steadfast. Slowly, over time, the waves change me…but the process in and of itself is not a fast one.

Continue reading

Anchored

Raw, exhausted, and unfiltered, I arrived at my therapist’s office yesterday. I sat in my familiar spot, really just feeling…overwhelmed? Matter of fact? Drained?

All those things.

You see, feeling stuck is a hard thing for me. I think A LOT. I wonder. I wonder if I want to be stuck. I wonder if moving on is scary because that means people won’t help me anymore. Then, I get mad at myself for wondering if that is a possibility–how could I be that unhealthy?

Is that even why?

Yesterday, I did another EMDR session. I focused on an image of me–barely treading water, sticking my head out, trying to breathe. That image embodies the magnitude of emotion–overwhelmed, holding on for dear life.

Surviving. Continue reading