On life…and loneliness

I am officially divorced. We signed the papers Monday.

I feel lots of things but, mostly, a sense of overwhelming loss. Loss of my home, which he kept. Loss of my yard, and my dogs, and my status as an “adult” who owned nice things.

Ironically, he doesn’t necessarily feel like a loss. I feel sad for him. Hurt for him. Guilty that I have gutted him and left him and broken his heart.

At the same time…I’m feeling so…lonely.

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I jumped into a relationship immediately after moving out of my house and into my rental. There was this guy who was interested in me…at first, I wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t like me at all. We lived very different lives. He was much more of a blue collar worker, a musician, a pot smoker, and someone who had clearly been in some very toxic relationships.

Yet…I was lonely and he was there. So I jumped straight in. Soon, there wasn’t a night that we didn’t see each other. Before long, he’d introduced me to his kids…his family.

My heart quickly attached…and he knew all the right ways to hold me, make love to me, hint that he was falling for me.

Yet, my insecurity was raging. If I didn’t hear from him, I convinced myself he was mad at me, or didn’t want to be with me anymore. I excused questionable behavior because I didn’t want to make waves. I let him yell and cuss at me because he was angry and small, inconsequential things…and, rather than standing up for myself and telling him not to speak to me that way I apologized for upsetting him (despite doing nothing wrong in the first place.).

Everyone around me told me to run. Leave the relationship. That I didn’t deserve to be talked to the way he talked to me. That he was taking up all of my time. That I would never be able to introduce him to my kids or live with him because of his lifestyle choices.

Yet…I struggled. I craved the intimacy he gave me. The way he held me. The deep way he kissed me. I liked that he wanted to be with me all the time. Did I like his temper? No…but I was struggling to let that–which had only reared its ugly head twice in three months–convince me to leave him when the rest of the time felt comfortable and nice.

So–I picked the chicken’s way out. I texted him. I told him I needed to pay attention to the kids. That he was so important to me but I needed to refocus and figure out my head. His response was hurt and brutal–he accused me of fucking my ex husband and told me “thanks for nothing.”

I dodged a bullet, right?

I have been at war with myself ever since my anxious/insecure attachment showed itself so very loudly in this relationship. Asking myself…why do I apologize for myself?

Why don’t I stand up for myself or speak up? Why am I afraid to upset someone even when I know they are not right for me?

Why am I willing to accept ANY love and attention that feels good, even when I know it is bad for me?

And…HOW do I get better? How do I become confident and less dependent on others to feel BETTER?

You guys…I don’t know the answer.

Tonight, I am sitting in my living room. Feeling sad and lonely. Desperately wanting to run back to this bad guy who didn’t treat me well. ALL because I am sad to be alone.

Does it get better? Will I get better?

…I hope so. I just don’t know.