Becoming healthy–overcoming anxiety, setting boundaries, learning self-worth–is not a linear process.
It is not something that you think about and then, BAM! life is perfect.
It’s just not.
It is a lot of small steps forward and big steps backward. It is learning triggers and recognizing them AS they are happening…or, even, not until they have already happened.
Right now, I am in the latter category.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly. I was emotionally exhausted. I couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The stabbing, fleeting feelings of panic were emerging.
I was tired. So very tired. From not sleeping. From stressing.
It was A WEEK. Continue reading
Mom issues rarely happen in isolation.
Don’t get me wrong–if you struggle with an unloving mother, or an abusive mother, or a narcissistic mother–or a mother so unlike that of “popular” culture–YOU feel isolated. YOU feel alone, unloved, and unlovable.
You look all around you and see other moms and daughters–shopping, having lunch, traveling together–and in YOUR heart, you feel a pang of sadness, regret, and loss.
If you are anxiously attached and seek relationships–ahem, ME–you might seek out other women as role models, letting them mother you as much as they can and also fearing the day they might take their leave.
But, maybe, one day, you will also transcend some of the pain and loss and bullshit. Maybe, one day, you will work your ass off in therapy, erect the strongest boundaries you can muster, and learn that you can be loved–and some people will continue to love you even through your less than stellar moments.