Calm versus Chaos

When I first started this blog, my emotional health was at an all time low. I was a DISASTER (thus the blog name). But, bravely, I continued to pursue healing and therapy. Day after day, week after week, and month after month.

Progress occurred, but in my mind it was slow and hard. Therapy is hard work, man. It is deep, soul-wrenching, earth shattering, WORK.

Luckily, I was graced with the most amazing therapist to guide me through the process. Oooohhh, the patience this amazing woman had/has for me will never cease to blow my mind. I challenged her, I clung to her, I pushed her away…always so sure she would abandon me, too.

Through her steadfast faith in me, I grew. I, slowly, began to heal. I began to need her less and less, and gained faith in myself and my other relationships.

Healing work will never be done. That is something I learned the hard way. There will never be a magic day where I wake up and realize, “I am healed!” 

No…life is a spectrum, and I will always have some struggles–but, I can say confidently that I am on the other side of the spectrum.

I am a work in progress. We all are. 🙂

While I have come, in my mind (and in my heart), a tremendous way, I still have a mighty path to walk.

Certain behaviors are hard to eliminate. Certain beliefs must be constantly challenged and, despite many efforts, still reside as part of my “core.”

Lately, for instance, it has become very apparent to me that I suck at being calm.

I’ve never been great at meditating–I can calm down while I am meditating, but it never seems to have a lasting impact on the rest of my day. When life itself begins to calm, I find that I have to create some kind of chaos.

I operate better in chaos.

I know what to do. How to behave. It gives me some kind of challenge or goal to solve or work towards.

Calm?

What do I do with that?

It feels too good to be true–too good to last.

I feel unsettled in calm. Unsure of what to do or how to act.

I can hear my therapist saying, “Enjoy it! Be present in the moment!”

And, again, this would be one of those moments where I make a face at her and ask, smartly–“But how?”

It seems like it should be a simple solution, right? Just enjoy it! Just enjoy the moment!

Yet, again, that core belief often comes bursting out of me–that belief that calm cannot be trusted. That joy will never last.

And so, I don’t allow myself to feel it.

I get bored. I get restless. I decide I need to change something, or plan something, or go back to school.

Somehow, someway, I need to inject some level of stress back into my life because some level of stress makes me feel productive.

Useful.

…I have come a long ass way from where I was. But I still have a long way to go.

Growing, growing, growing.

Everyday, I grow just a little bit more. I acknowledge more strengths–I recognize WHERE I need to grow.

And that, honestly, is growth in and of itself.

So–if you are reading this and you are at the beginning of your healing journey–embrace where you are. It might be the lowest of lows. But, it WILL get better.

Slowly. Painfully.

It will feel never ending–because it is–but every single breath you take–every single day you wake up–you are making progress.

Don’t give up. ❤