I have been complaining of my lack of motivation for awhile now.
Honestly, I have felt pretty flat-lined–like I am just surviving my days. Not feeling too low, but never feeling too high, either. And, when I do feel, I tend to swing to depressed.
Last night, I went to my friend’s house to visit. I did not go over until about 7pm, and I really had to talk myself into doing it.
I AM ALWAYS TIRED.
Always, it seems like.
As a result, I’ve started doing less and less. I haven’t been visiting my friends much. I haven’t been going out. I haven’t been calling my tribe of women and getting as much support.
I just haven’t had the energy.
I do some things. Sometimes, I go for a visit. Or I make a call.
I workout sporadically.
But, on the whole, I have really drawn into myself.
As as I was leaving my friend’s house last night (at all of 8:45 pm), she was discussing the weather and offhandedly mentioned that she had been at a different friend’s house the night before and could barely get home through the heavy snow that was falling. I smiled, listened, and agreed–the snow has been insane.
But, as I sat in my own car, driving home, I suddenly had all of these HUGE fears of insecurity and abandonment force their way into my brain. Suddenly, I began to fear that I would lose this friend–one of my closest–because I have been a pretty shitty friend myself.
I reassured myself that I have other friends and I do things with them, frequently. It isn’t about that. It is about the fact that I realized how little I’ve been there for my own friends lately. I have withdrawn into my own world, trying not to overly bother, or overly complain…and too tired to listen, give back, or be there for them.
So, maybe they are done with me and looking for a better friend.
My thoughts quickly spiraled into a life with no friends whatsoever, and how that would feel. You know anxiety–it goes BIG and never seems to go home.
I woke up this morning and decided it was time.
Time to muster up the energy to really address the issue.
Maybe I need to increase my Prozac dosage. Maybe I need to increase my Vitamin D supplement. Maybe I need a happy sun light, or a hormone panel done.
I don’t know.
But the point is, I am going to stop ignoring it. I am going to stop pretending like I am just tired and just “fine.”
I don’t think I am.
I think life is more than paddling along, barely keeping my head above water.
That’s certainly part of it…but I think there is more, too.
At least..I hope there is.