I have been unmotivated for quite awhile.
I still do all of my usual things. I drag myself to the gym. I go to work. I cook and clean. I hang with the kids.
But, most of the time, I have so little desire for any of it.
What does it mean?
I wonder about depression. Is this what it feels like?
The thing is…I am not stuck in bed. I’m just tired. Exhausted. All I really desire is alone time and silence.
I feel easily irritated. My fuse is short. This, of course, causes guilt on many fronts. In the classroom, I don’t have as much patience as I would like. At home, I get grumpy at my kids and then immediately feel bad about it.
I have zero desire for sex or connection with my husband. When I get up to bed, I am just ready for sleep. I cannot seem to even talk myself in to snuggling or cuddling.
At one point–those were the things I felt desperate for.
Now? I just feel…nothing.
It all feels like an inconvenience. A frustration. An exhaustion.
It makes me sad.
I feel like I am going through each and every day, paddling and keeping my head above water–but just barely. It feels like survival, and nothing more.
I want more than that. I just don’t know how to spark the motivation within me to make that happen.