Winter is always a hard season for me. Lack of sunshine, coupled with no ocean in sight, is hard for this beach girl’s soul.
Usually, Christmas is a time where I pep up, though. I love Christmas decorations, love the excitement, and believe that the only day it should snow is Christmas morning.
This journey of growth has truly been one of becoming–and one of shedding the things that don’t serve me.
That has forced me to face a lot of hard truths. Primarily–my biological family will never be what I wish or dream they should be.
Here, too, I’ve grown. I used to believe, in the very depths of my soul, that I would never be able to forgive and move on. Lately, however, I’ve realized I am no longer filled with that fire or that pain.
At some point, I let it go. It was never as intentional or as obvious as I thought it would be when I was in the midst of the pain, desperate to give it away.
Slowly, slowly, I kept healing, and the fire started to extinguish.
I can talk to my mom. I can spend time with her.
But the boundaries are always up and I no longer resent that.
It is, simply, the way it has to be.
During this Christmas season, though, there have been moments of melancholy.
I have a friend who is my mother’s age–a friend who’s acceptance of me has contributed greatly to my growth and confidence. This friend has an amazing family.
Watching them together is always bittersweet. They have fun. They are genuine. It is beautiful to witness.
I watch it with a slight twinge of jealousy. What would it be like to have a mom who loved me as proudly as she loves her daughter?
Watching moms and daughters together will always be the hardest part of this shedding process. A recognition of what could have been or really, what should have been.
When I feel those feelings. When I feel that longing, that jealousy without steam, I close my eyes.
I have a daughter.
So, while I don’t, and will never have that relationship with my mother, I will concentrate that longing into forging something close and safe and loving with my own sweet girl.
When I see that happy family playing games and laughing, I will let it inspire me to do the same thing with my own family, my own kids–building those traditions that they will, some day, hold dear.
Life will never be what it could have been. The could have is in the past.
But, I can shape my own life. I am in control of that now.
And no one can ever take that power away from me. 💖