Growing, but not glowing

Everyday, I can see the progress I’ve made.

That, in and of itself, seems like a miracle at times. For so very long, I felt absolutely STUCK. Progress felt impossible, far-fetched, and highly unlikely.

And yet.

Day by day. Minute by grueling minute. I. Kept. Going.

And slowly, ever so slowly, life started to shift.

My anxiety became easier to control. I started to get some of my confidence back. I started to no longer need my therapist to hold my hand through every moment. 

At some point, I made it to the other side of the dark tunnel that felt endless and impossible to pass through.

At some point, I did it.

Now, as I sit on the other side, celebrating small victories and realizing how far I’ve come, I can smile.

I can give myself credit. (Which is pretty damn big.)

Yet, there are some things about the other side of the tunnel that I did not expect.

You see, the other side of the tunnel felt elusive. It felt like the much greener “other” side of the grass that I had long for.

And now that I am here, I find myself, often, surprised that I don’t FEEL better than I do.

Surprised that that grass isn’t greener than I thought.

I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel joyful.

I feel tired. Overwhelmed. Worried.

I can manage it all–and that is the difference.

And a big one, at that.

But, when I envisioned the other side, I imagined a glowing, happy version of myself.

A version that was in love with her life. Confident in her decisions. Loved and in love. A good mom.

Finally free.

That, however, is not the reality that I am experiencing.

Daily, I question my decisions. I make them more confidently than I did two years ago–true. But parenting is hard stuff and crying, upset kids make me really question my actions in so many ways.

Marriage is rough. It is what it is. It’s not exciting or sexy. It is comfortable and friendly. It is easier than divorce. It is camaraderie. It is not being alone.

I worry frequently. Chaos, still, is so much more my norm than calm will ever be. I worry about kids. My own and my students. Work–phew it is a drama filled building lately. My decisions.

Worry, worry, worry.

It is manageable worry. But, it is also a norm.

I am not glowing and joyful. Everything is not rosy and wonderful.

I am on the other side. And I am so grateful to be here.

But…maybe there is more growing to do? (Which, duh, there always is.) But maybe the tunnel is a little longer than I thought.

Or, maybe I am an idealist, and this is reality?

I do not know. But, I do know I will keep going.

Everyday. Day after day.

I may not be glowing, but I never give up.