Anchored

Raw, exhausted, and unfiltered, I arrived at my therapist’s office yesterday. I sat in my familiar spot, really just feeling…overwhelmed? Matter of fact? Drained?

All those things.

You see, feeling stuck is a hard thing for me. I think A LOT. I wonder. I wonder if I want to be stuck. I wonder if moving on is scary because that means people won’t help me anymore. Then, I get mad at myself for wondering if that is a possibility–how could I be that unhealthy?

Is that even why?

Yesterday, I did another EMDR session. I focused on an image of me–barely treading water, sticking my head out, trying to breathe. That image embodies the magnitude of emotion–overwhelmed, holding on for dear life.

Surviving.Except–if you know me, I want to do more than just survive.

I want to feel. I want to be happy. I want freedom.

I am not a negative person. On the contrary, I am quite optimistic…always hopeful.

But, there has been this transformative thing happening to me. Sharing my past, opening up all those old, suppressed emotions, has cracked me totally open.

However, instead of continuing to heal and grow, this big hole–this huge sense of loss and grief and injustice–has anchored itself right in my chest.

It is about my mom. It is about learning, as a child, not to need. It is about feeling insecure in her love–getting hugs and affection when she wanted them, but not when I needed them.

You see, this journey of mine? God, it has made me need people more than I’ve ever needed them before.

That though, that is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to navigate. I can’t trust that need. I worry, endlessly, that I need too much. That I AM too much.

I don’t know what a normal, give and take relationship really looks like. If I need too much, is that simply it? Will that friendship, relationship, whatever…leave? Will I cling tighter, out of fear, simply pushing them away even farther? That is what I do…

And the real problem? I see this fear. I feel this fear. I act on it.

I don’t know how to trust that relationships can be different than my mom.

…Which means I am struggling to just enjoy the relationships I have that aren’t like my mom.

That anchor sits in my chest. Piercing my heart, my lungs…making it hard to breathe. I want remove it.

I want to move on.

5 thoughts on “Anchored

  1. Luftmentsch March 16, 2018 / 5:09 am

    This is very similar to me. I think I’m slightly older than you, but I’ve only had one real relationship, and that only lasted nine months. I don’t have many friends at all. I wonder if I could manage the proper relationship I crave. My therapist last week said that I just want someone to fix me because I’m lonely and that isn’t a good reason to get married. I’ve been thinking all week about whether I agree with that and am very confused. I think I want a relationship for other reasons, but it’s hard to be sure. Do I push people away? Am I too overwhelming for them? I don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lynn March 16, 2018 / 5:13 am

    The experience of getting affection/love from my mother when she wanted and not when I needed is very familiar to me. I had never thought of it that way.
    It helps me understand why I’m constantly scared of pitfalls in relationships that I believe to always be my fault.
    Thank you for bravely speaking.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Scarpoe March 16, 2018 / 6:06 am

    Sounds like you could use the kind of help I received. It’s vitamin therapy. It sounds a little too simple and hard to believe but it works along with therapy sessions like what you are already attending. It changed my life and I bet it will change yours. Let me know if you want more information. I’m not selling anything, I just want to help.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. throwntogetherness March 16, 2018 / 12:43 pm

    Totally identify with the worry of being too much for people. In the last few years I’ve been working more specifically with my type on the Enneagram, and it has helped me understand how I am not alone in my worries and what the pathway of growth is for my type. Because the people in my life are not like me, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely alone!

    Liked by 1 person

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