The feeling that has been dominating me lately…

…it isn’t anxiety.

…it isn’t sadness.

It is emptiness.

I feel empty. 

Drained of all the emotion that has been propelling me forward through this tough journey.

Tired. Unable to think. Lacking all motivation.

I used to have places that felt safe. Places that felt like a haven.

I don’t anymore.

Now, those places make me think. They make me remember what was or what could have been. 

They make me remember.

…Which makes me question my worth, myself, my choices.

I fall to my knees…kneeling, head bowed. Remembering. The smile. The laughter. The connection.

But, reality slaps me in the face. I feel terrible for remembering. For missing. For wanting.

So, I sigh it all away. I close my eyes…feeling the pain. The confusion. The turmoil.

It isn’t the same. Any of it.

It has been soiled and tarnished because of this thing called memory.

I take responsibility…it is my own fault. This, I know. And no one is harder on me than myself…of that, we can be sure.

So, I sit here. Empty.

Wanting connection. Wanting to feel. Wanting to be missed and remembered.

And knowing that none of it matters anyway.

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