The feeling that has been dominating me lately…
…it isn’t anxiety.
…it isn’t sadness.
It is emptiness.
I feel empty.
Drained of all the emotion that has been propelling me forward through this tough journey.
Tired. Unable to think. Lacking all motivation.
I used to have places that felt safe. Places that felt like a haven.
I don’t anymore.
Now, those places make me think. They make me remember what was or what could have been.
They make me remember.
…Which makes me question my worth, myself, my choices.
I fall to my knees…kneeling, head bowed. Remembering. The smile. The laughter. The connection.
But, reality slaps me in the face. I feel terrible for remembering. For missing. For wanting.
So, I sigh it all away. I close my eyes…feeling the pain. The confusion. The turmoil.
It isn’t the same. Any of it.
It has been soiled and tarnished because of this thing called memory.
I take responsibility…it is my own fault. This, I know. And no one is harder on me than myself…of that, we can be sure.
So, I sit here. Empty.
Wanting connection. Wanting to feel. Wanting to be missed and remembered.
And knowing that none of it matters anyway.