It’s 2018, ya’ll!
On December 31, 2016, I was cursing the end of a hell of a year. I was ready to kick it to the curb and embrace 2017–I had just turned 30, I was going to go on an amazing trip in May…this was going to be MY. YEAR.
I’m always an idealist.
Truth was, 2017 was still hard. In different ways. But, painful ways.
I continued to grow. I continued to learn more about myself…yet remained fixed in the pain and unable to let it go. I made mistakes, questioned my relationships, and struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be.
2018 will be a year where I am much more realistic.
Guess what? I am not perfect.
But guess what else? I know this. I also know that I do NOT have to have everything all figured out RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. I can just be in the NOW.
First up on my 2018 agenda?? Learning to get over the wounds of my childhood. The wounds that run so deep, and are related–so much so–to my mother and our relationship.
I am going to learn how to believe that I am lovable.
To start, I purchased and have begun reading a new book, called Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep.
As I read this book, I am continually surprised at how RIGHT ON the descriptions are. Like, literally, I can pick myself right off the page…I am reading the text and think, Oh my god…that is SO me.
It is both sobering and refreshing.
As I read, I am going to use my blog as a journal–reflecting on what I am learning and processing my way through the pages…and by the end, I hope that I will finally be able to let the pain go.The first few chapters of this book revolve around maternal power and attachment. I hold my first degree in psychology, so attachment theory is not new to me.
HOWEVER. I have not ever really spent time considering which style of attachment I had as a child and adult. In fact, when I think back to my coursework, I remember really trying to convince myself that, OF COURSE, I had a secure attachment.
As I read through the descriptions, I could very easily see that I have an anxious-preoccupied style of attachment. I have always been a high achieving person, though, most of the time, my need to achieve is focused on the reaction of others–will they notice me? Will it be enough to get their attention? Can I prove my worth if I do well?
My need to be a high achiever has never given me intrinsic happiness. In fact, rather than making me feel worthy and full of confidence, I have ALWAYS been convinced that the high achieving part of myself isn’t real. It is an act…one that people can see through as soon as they really get to know me.
I always have, and probably always will have, a positive view of other people. I turn to them, hoping to find validation–if they approve of me, then I can also approve of me.
But, because of the fear, I also am always on high alert. I read the room. I watch for sighs, facial expressions, gestures…I listen to words…anything that may indicate that a change is coming.
Abandonment or rejection is my greatest fear.
The problem? This heightened state of alert often causes me to create problems where there are none. It makes me need reassurance, causing me to cling and hold on tight, while, somehow, also pushing the person away before they can push me away first, triggering even more fear and anxiety. It is a vicious circle.
If you are going to leave me, just tell me now! is a phrase I often think or say when I get into this state. I just need to know so I can prepare.
When I am stressed, I get stuck in overthinking and over-worrying. I replay the past on a loop.
I can’t let it go.
I become convinced that it is hopeless and I am powerless. I talk and talk about it but never really feel like anyone can understand…and, I even mistakenly forget that I do have people in my life who care…all because I feel like no one can love me the way I need.
Holy shit. This is me.
And you know what? This is also who the book described. I am not unique.
As I read, I was also able to identify my mother as a specific “type.”
To be truthful, she had elements of many of the types…but, by far, I could see her in two of the descriptions: the unreliable and the self-involved mother.
My mother could be hot and cold. Sometimes, she would request affection…other times, she would push me away and make me feel ashamed for wanting it.
She was, and still is, self-involved. This mothering type is also known in mothering circles as the Narc mom, or the narcissistic mother. Everything about being a mom was for her. My high achievement?? It proved she did something right with me.
Love was earned with her…it still is. It was never freely given; rather, it was given, always, with heavy conditions.
But, no matter what I ever did, it was never enough.
And…as a result, I quickly began to believe that I was not enough. I was not lovable just for being me.
I still believe this, even though I am cognitively, everyday, challenging it.
Isn’t this insight amazing?
I am looking forward to reading more and learning how to use the insight to make a real change in my life.
To let go.
To be happy.