I am here.
Sometimes, I forget that.
Sometimes, I feel so…unimportant…wrapped up in the mundane…that it is easy to forget that I am more than just part of a cog in a wheel.
But, I am.
I am here.
I may never be the person that I want to be. I may never love myself as much as I should or let go of the things that need to be let go…but at some point, I am going to have to take a breath and remind myself to look at now.
Where am I right now?
I am hardly ever present.
I am constantly in my head. Either worrying about the future, or pouring over the past, wishing that it could have turned out differently.
This week, I found myself sick. It is a hazard of the job, unfortunately, when I work with sweet, germy 7 year olds who hug me all day. I worked a 12 1/2 hour day on Tuesday, thanks to a holiday concert and came home and just crashed. Woke up in the middle of the night to a 102 degree fever, cough, congestion, the whole works.
My anxiety washed over me at 2 in the morning. Every time I am ill, this happens. Those thoughts, “Oh my god…I am going to have to call in. They are going think I am lying…there are only two days until Christmas break!! This is the worst timing…”
I had a panic attack. I woke up my husband.
It is in moments like this that I realize how hard it would be to be single again. In those wee hours of the night, where things are so scary and anxiety wins, it is so comforting to have someone to reach out to…someone to take care of me. I am grateful to have him.
He gave me an Ativan. I fell back to sleep. My alarm went off at 5…temp was still 102..called my principal and got a sub.
But…holy moly…was I sick. Finally, mid-afternoon I managed to drag on some leggings and a shirt and have my husband drive me to an urgent care. My suspicions, were proved true, unfortunately: Influenza A.
No work for the rest of the week…which meant that I would be missing out on many of the fun celebrations I had been planning on attending.
And, I felt like death. (Dramatic? Probably. But still.)
As the days have ticked by and my fever has persisted, I have had a lot of time just laying around with my eyes closed in a daze.
Thoughts have floated by…those thoughts that so easily take hold of my gut: What if they think I am faking? What if they want to fire me for missing the last two days? What if they realize they don’t need me?
I am so full of it.
And so tired of it.
I realized…what credit do I ever give myself?
None, you guys.
At least, none that ever really matters.
I have been spending so much time worrying about people who are pushing me around at school. So much time worrying what those people are saying or thinking.
So much time…so much time that I am NOT taking a minute to just stop and realize: People do what they do. They think what they think.
That doesn’t define ME.
Yet, why…why do I let it matter SO much?
It’s really pretty stupid. It is clearly not useful.
Yet, it is pretty easy to do and fairly automatic.
But really, if I could just learn, consistently, to stop, feel what is around me…see what is around me…I might begin to see the world differently.
Instead of letting it all haunt me…all that worry.
It is all a waste of time.