A year ago, I was breaking through. I saw the tunnel. I saw the end. I thought I had reached it. 2017 was coming for me. I was ready. I was ready to kick 2016 to the curb and welcome a good year.
I turned 30. 30 and 2017 were going to be my year.
Some things were great. I took an amazing trip. I accepted a new teaching job. I fell in love with my career and my students.
And some things, unfortunately, have been hard.
Marriage. Relationship woes. Depression. Worry. Shame.
Here I am, a few weeks away from my 31st birthday. A few weeks away from 2018. Still wishing…hoping…that things will change.
That I will change. That I will find that thing that makes me happier.
The last few months have been hard for a lot of reasons. Most of them? Most of them have been personal. A result of my own faults and my own ability to be decisive.
As I look at the oncoming year, I feel like a different person.
But, not in the ways I imagined.
Not, necessarily, in good ways.
I’m still going to counseling. I still over think. Over analyze.
What I have realized, over and over again?
I do not know how to breathe. To just be.
To let go.
I just don’t know how to do it.
My head, always, is full of mean voices that bully me and make me think the worst.
I am still needy.
I still need people. I still fear that I will lose the people that I love–the ones who are important to me. I see and feel their actions…actions that tell me how much they care. Yet, I worry if the slightest change comes. If their words don’t say what their actions show.
I have that constant need for reassurance…and it is selfish.
It also drives people away.
And it frustrates me more than I can ever express.
It frustrates me that I don’t understand why. WHY am I so full of fear that I will be left behind? Dropped?
Why do I allow these relationships to determine my worth? I know I shouldn’t. I know people do what they do. But…always, there is a part of me that thinks, But they did it because of ME. I am not good enough. They want to get away from me. I am too ____. “
I have written about this SO. MUCH.
And I am no closer to fixing it.
It. is. frustrating.
I do know, now, that this is probably my CORE problem. The one that is behind so many of my problems…my fears…my anxiety.
That is something.
But, for me…it is not enough.
Will 2018 be better? Maybe.
I am more realistic this year. It might be.
Or it might be just as hard.
One thing, however, is for sure…I’ve got to learn how to breathe.
I’ve got to learn how to let go. How to embrace the quiet.
Or nothing will change.