I have had one hell of a…month?
Maybe a year?
However long it has been, I have been especially worried and especially stressed.
This weekend, my husband and I took a trip away. It was nice. We have been able to focus just on us. Lately, there has been a lot of static around our relationship…a lot of focus on what I am going to do, what I want, and why.
The thing is, at this point, I cannot answer those questions. I don’t know what I want.
I am confused. I want love. And connection. I’d like that with my husband, truly. Can that happen???
…He is trying. So, it seems fair to let him. To wait and see.
To wait and see if that passion and connection can come back.
If the emptiness and loneliness will go away.
All of these unknowns have made act in ways that are even surprising to me. At one minute, I’m bold and over it. In another, I am sorry and sad. In another I am full of hate and guilt, making me believe that no ONE anywhere deserves what I bring.
My emotions are whacked.
I’ve been leaning on my supports pretty heavily, because I have been struggling pretty heavily.
I am spending so much time worrying.
Stressing about every aspect of my life.
Over-thinking every aspect of my life.
I am also beating myself up. It is what I do.
I am so super sensitive, you guys. I worry about the smallest things. Someone might say they want to talk and my stress goes from zero to sixty in .003 seconds.
I’m constantly trying to read between the lines. What are you really trying to tell me, that you aren’t really telling me? Is there a hidden, underlying meaning?
I stress and worry, and worry and stress about it.
I just need reassurance. Reassurance to know that things are not going to change. Even if I have screwed up.
But sometimes, asking for that reassurance? I feel like it annoys people. Turns them off. Makes them want to stop dealing with me.
I have a hole inside of me. One that I am always trying to fill up with pieces of other people. When I start to believe someone can be there for me–when I fearfully start to trust it–it is scary. It is amazing and it makes me happy.
But I am also always so scared that I will lose it.
I hate this about myself. I hate the insecurity. It triggers me in an instant. It makes me feel like that scared, 3rd grade girl who is begging not to be left behind.
It just happens. I just go there.
Lately–I have been in this scary place. I have been feeling like I have mistakenly mis-interpreted the relationships I have. Am I important to them? Or is it, again, one sided on my part?
Why is this so hard?