Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

As my healing journey has progressed, I’ve narrowed my circle–my tribe–down to a few people who have shown me they can be trusted.

They have also shown me love.

Sometimes, though, life gets especially confusing.

I have been going through a lot. More than I even written about here.

I am not a good secret keeper. When I get overwhelmed, I have to vent. I have to tell someone. And so, I do.

I tell the people in my circle.

I am not alone. I know that.

But, sometimes, some things happen. Sometimes, I realize I should have kept my secrets to myself. I shouldn’t have vented.

Those things? They make me want to crawl in a hole.

That is where I am, right now. At the bottom of a muddy hole, staring up at the light.

…right now? I don’t even want to try to climb out. I just want to stay here, all alone.

I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to feel shock over the things that people do.

I want to crawl into a ball and not move.

I can crawl into the hole and stay here a few days…doubting anyone would notice my absence.

Sometimes, that makes me sad.

My tribe? They are there if I reach out. But when I crawl into the hole, I don’t. I don’t reach out. Here though…here is when I really want them to reach out.

Passive aggressive? Probably.

But, when I am hurting, I isolate. I think, in my mind, that no one wants to deal with me.

But I need to talk.

I just can’t ask for it.

And the longer I wait, the more convinced I become that I am not worthy enough for this amazing tribe, anyway.

4 thoughts on “Isolation

  1. rolandlegge December 3, 2017 / 8:21 pm

    Disturbing, touching and honest! My heart goes out to you! You are not alone. ☺️💟

    Like

  2. samuraisnoop December 3, 2017 / 10:08 pm

    It’s a tough spot to be in feeling isolated and wishing to be noticed, I’ve been there myself. I’ve observed that usually our close friends do want to reach for us, but they’ve no idea how to, perhaps the familiarity makes it difficult for them. I’m a stranger to you, but I care about you as any human who sees suffering should. This comment is my way of reaching out so you don’t feel so alone.

    I wanted to share a lesson I just recently learned in regards to mistakes I’ve made and I’m sorry if it’s a bit imposing. The lesson is, “It’s okay.”
    We are all human and we all make mistakes. The lesson I learned is to forgive myself for making mistakes because God knows, no one could hold a grudge against me better than me.
    I started telling myself aloud “It’s okay…” “It’s okay that I let someone down.” “It’s okay that I am afraid.” “It’s okay that I broke a promise.” “It’s okay that I failed.” “It’s okay that I am hurt.” It’s okay that I’ve hurt someone.” “It’s okay that I feel sad.” “It’s okay.”
    At first, I literally had to repeat “It’s okay I messed up,” for hours every time I thought about what I had done, but eventually I started to believe it and I could forgive myself. Sometimes the person I had hurt did not forgive me despite how genuinely bad I felt, but to forgive myself for making a mistake, gave me the strength I needed to get out of the hole of unworthiness I was in, remove the guilt I felt and carry on. I really hope this helps you out even if just a bit, through these tough times and sorry for the novel, I guess this is what happens when a blogger comments on a blog 😛

    Liked by 2 people

  3. grace to survive December 4, 2017 / 5:47 am

    Too often the harsh mind bangs on us saying we messed up when in reality, we did not.

    Like

  4. A Beautiful Mess December 4, 2017 / 11:30 am

    Oh, that lonely pit. I know it all to well. And I visit there way more often than I should. Like you, I know I should/can reach out. But sometimes, it would be nice to be rescued/pulled out of that hole rather than crawl all by myself, especially by people who think they know me so well. I try to remind myself that people can’t help us out of what they don’t know. Keep your head up and reach out – even if it’s just a little. Hugs!

    Like

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