Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

As my healing journey has progressed, I’ve narrowed my circle–my tribe–down to a few people who have shown me they can be trusted.

They have also shown me love.

Sometimes, though, life gets especially confusing.

I have been going through a lot. More than I even written about here.

I am not a good secret keeper. When I get overwhelmed, I have to vent. I have to tell someone. And so, I do.

I tell the people in my circle.

I am not alone. I know that.

But, sometimes, some things happen. Sometimes, I realize I should have kept my secrets to myself. I shouldn’t have vented.

Those things? They make me want to crawl in a hole.

That is where I am, right now. At the bottom of a muddy hole, staring up at the light.

…right now? I don’t even want to try to climb out. I just want to stay here, all alone.

I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to feel shock over the things that people do.

I want to crawl into a ball and not move.

I can crawl into the hole and stay here a few days…doubting anyone would notice my absence.

Sometimes, that makes me sad.

My tribe? They are there if I reach out. But when I crawl into the hole, I don’t. I don’t reach out. Here though…here is when I really want them to reach out.

Passive aggressive? Probably.

But, when I am hurting, I isolate. I think, in my mind, that no one wants to deal with me.

But I need to talk.

I just can’t ask for it.

And the longer I wait, the more convinced I become that I am not worthy enough for this amazing tribe, anyway.