Now.

I am here.

I exist.

Sometimes, I forget that.

Sometimes, I feel so…unimportant…wrapped up in the mundane…that it is easy to forget that I am more than just part of a cog in a wheel.

But, I am.

I am here.

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Mom.

I am going to try to write and process something that is rather difficult for me.

Yesterday, I finally had a chance to do another EMDR session. Once again, I concentrated on my fear of abandonment, and the chronic belief that I am unworthy of love.

The session began with the same triggering moment that always seems to surface–the day, right before 3rd grade–that my grandmother gave my brother and I “back” to my mom. The day she left us…the day that I panicked, and experienced what must have been my very first panic attack.

It is familiar. I have written and written and written about it.

know that it is a moment. And I have been desperate to dig deeper and try to understand why I am so anxious about losing important relationships. Why I spiral down into a dark hole when I fear I’ve messed up. Why I need reassurance that things are okay. Continue reading

Worry and Stress. Stress and Worry.

I have had one hell of a…month?

Maybe a year?

However long it has been, I have been especially worried and especially stressed.

This weekend, my husband and I took a trip away. It was nice. We have been able to focus just on us. Lately, there has been a lot of static around our relationship…a lot of focus on what I am going to do, what I want, and why. Continue reading

Isolation

Every day, I spend time reflecting on who I have in my life.

I have a small circle of supporters. My family–brothers, sisters, parents? They don’t make the list.

Instead, I have found a network of supporters through a lot of trial and error. I have learned hard lessons–I easily trust and willingly share, so I have been hurt by people who I thought I could trust…only to find, I couldn’t.

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