Silence, Shame, and Struggling

Silence…shame…and struggling.

That is how I can describe my days lately.

Things at home? Things at home have been better. My husband is trying so hard. I have torn down my walls and let him in. I am letting him hold me. I am asking him to kiss me deeply. I am trying to feel the connection and love between us.

I am trying. I owe him that, after building a life with him for the last 12 years. I owe him one more chance.

Things inside my soul, though?

Oh guys.

I cry even trying to find the words to describe how I am feeling.

Mostly, I am feeling ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of the way I’ve handled the stress and what I thought was the undoing of my marriage.

I made some poor choices. Selfishly. Knowingly.

I am a perfectionist to my core. Knowing that I chose to mess up? It eats me alive.

My whole life I’ve toed the line. I don’t do bad things. I don’t mess up on purpose. I don’t break laws or rules. I’ve never touched a drug and never partied as a teen or in my early twenties.

It has been stifling, at times. But it allows me to live with myself. It is something I can look at and say…”See, I am not my parents.”

So, knowing I have now caused myself and others emotional harm? That is what is so very, very hard.

I do not know how to forgive myself.

I DO know how to punish myself.

It does no good, my therapist tells me. But it is also the only thing that makes sense in my head.

I messed up=shame and self hate.

I am also a verbalizer. It is part of my process to talk things out. Luckily, I feel like I have a good support circle. Trustworthy friends, and my therapist.

But, lordy….talking about my mistakes and admitting them makes me feel so vulnerable and SO insecure.

Do my friends think less of me? Will I lose them?

I wish I could keep secrets. Alone. Buried deep inside.

Self hate and punishment make me want to self isolate. Stop reaching out. Stop talking. Just crawl deep inside myself and never get out of bed.

I’ve been fighting that. I’ve been reaching out and asking for coffee dates and time with my friends. Even though I am on empty.

I lost it on Friday. I was worried about losing support people. Hating myself for the ways I’ve messed up. Hating myself for making a complicated situation even more complicated and confusing. Hating myself for potentially hurting people that I love.

I drove home from work, shaking. Hoping I could connect with a friend or my therapist or someone…just to talk it out. Just to not feel alone. To not feel hated and judged and to not let reality slap me across the face, again.

It didn’t happen. I couldn’t control the tears. I had to pull my car over and just bawl. Just really cry for myself, by myself…angry, sad, confused, and absolutely aching.

And then I had to suck it all back up and drive home.

At home, I’m having trouble being a mom. My need to isolate has me feeling overwhelmed by noise and when the kids crawl on me I feel over-touched. I snuggle, but I am easily irritated. I am short and snappy.

…it is another thing I hate myself deeply for.

I am struggling.

I don’t know how to forgive myself. How to accept the things that have happened and just move on.

I do not know how to process it. I feel like I don’t even deserve the people I have…and I also wish, at times, I could just lie and pretend that my life is perfect.

But it isn’t how I work. And so, instead, I worry that I don’t deserve them…and that I will lose them slowly, piece by piece…the more flawed that they see I am. So then, I want to do them favor and just hide.

I am struggling.

I am ashamed.

I am so, so tired.

8 thoughts on “Silence, Shame, and Struggling

  1. kmm2425 November 19, 2017 / 8:21 pm

    This is me. Perfectly summed up. Though you don’t personally know me, I’m standing in solidarity with you! We are not alone in this!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ashley November 19, 2017 / 8:30 pm

    I hear you, and I have such a similar experience. I’m standing with you too, you can do this one step forward at a time. Be kind to yourself. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Luftmentsch November 20, 2017 / 1:25 pm

    I also punish myself. It’s hard. One thing I heard was if you make decisions in good faith based on the best information available at the time, you shouldn’t feel guilty if a negative outcome happens. From what you write, from the best information you had, you felt that your husband couldn’t change. You had given him chances and nothing had happened. You couldn’t know that this time would be different. You wrote, “I don’t do bad things. I don’t mess up on purpose.” But it doesn’t sound like you did mess up on purpose. You took a decision based on existing information that turned out to be incorrect. That’s not doing “bad things”. That’s being human. Please be kind to yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. worrylessjourney November 20, 2017 / 3:10 pm

    It sounds sappy but the only real mistake is one we don’t learn from. Take what you have learned and keep on keeping on. There are others who understand and walk with you. Take heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. c4crowned December 2, 2017 / 4:43 pm

    This is clear and honest, I really love your writing. But I also feel your pain and I have felt your pain many times before. I am now away in college and I miss my noisy household. It’s weird and confusing sometimes for me, I feel like I don’t know what I want.

    Like

  6. strugglinghuman101 December 6, 2017 / 7:15 pm

    We are pretty much one in the same as far as our personalities. It is hard. Hard to forget and move on even though others have. You MUST forgive yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But you are not your mistakes. You are much much more. Keep the past in the past and don’t look back! ❤️

    Like

  7. Julia December 19, 2017 / 6:18 am

    You are loved, accepted, forgiven, and pleasing. Thank you for sharing….Self-hatred, has been the demon I have wrestled all my life. I am seeing my self in the truth and have forgiven my self. You will too. I am right here with you<3

    Liked by 1 person

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