When it isn’t enough.

I have been writing about my emptiness for a long time.

There are days where the loneliness I feel permeates my very being. I feel it, and then I feel myself falling into a deep hole.

For SO long, I have grieved this feeling.

I would fall into this hole, look around, and believe that nobody loved me. Nobody could love me.

I am unlovable.

Unwanted.

In therapy, I would sit on my therapist’s couch and sob. “I just want someone to hug me. I just need someone to BE there. That’s all I need! Why isn’t anyone there?”

To my confusion, my therapist would always point out that I do have people there.

And I would argue, “But no one is there the way I need!

And one day…one day she said, “But E…do you ever think that a hug would be enough? Would it be enough for you?”

I looked at her like she had two heads. In my mind, I thought, “What the hell do you mean? Of COURSE it would be enough!! I just need someone to be with me.”

….You see, my whole life, I have just wanted to be SOMEONE’S priority.

….But I have never really felt that way.

I have only ever wanted to be loved, and wanted, and cherished.

This weekend. This weekend I felt a new depth of emotion.

I felt guilt. I felt sadness. I felt loneliness. I felt depression.

…I felt like I needed a hug.

I went to church–there, I hugged many people who care about me. I went home. I asked my husband to hug me.

He did. He held me.

I texted my friends. I told them I felt sad. They told me they loved me.

And guys…

I still FELT alone.

That is when I realized my therapist was RIGHT.

All around me, I have support. It might not always be the same level that I want it to be, but I have friends who tell me they love me.

I have friends who I can talk to about anything and everything.

They do not judge me. They understand me. They support me.

…But, many times, I still feel ALONE.

My therapist was right…it is not enough.

Why is that?

Is it because I am not enough?

Is it because something inside of me isn’t grateful?

Is it because I don’t understand boundaries?

Why?

Why do I still feel so empty, at times?

…I don’t understand.

15 thoughts on “When it isn’t enough.

  1. tothelightblog November 15, 2017 / 2:23 am

    I would say that this feeling of emptiness is actually common among all kinds of abuse victims, so you are definitely not alone. In my opinion it stems partially from judging yourself for being so needy. At least I know, I did. At the moment I could gradually stop judging myself for being so hungry for love, things became a lot better.

    Like

    • Erica November 15, 2017 / 11:38 am

      Yes. Needy. I hate myself for being needy. I hate when I realize that I can never seem to love myself enough. That moment always feels helpless and hopeless. Impossible. I can’t quite seem to make the jump to overcome it yet.

      Like

  2. grace to survive November 15, 2017 / 4:59 am

    I have been lonely for my own love. And am still working on it. Not an everyday lonely but a cavernous crevasse to run from because the pain went so deep. Learning I was not worthy enough to be kept safe and loved by others who were ‘family’ became ingrained into my forming personality. It takes daily effort to confront those beliefs and connect to what became so disconnected inside of me. I am still learning to connect and feel support for my own self.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Erica November 15, 2017 / 11:37 am

      I suck at loving myself. Plain and simple. I am hardest on myself–meanest to myself–why? So many reasons, probably. But learning how to overcome those reasons and just love me is hard. I never seem to really believe it.

      Like

      • grace to survive November 15, 2017 / 5:23 pm

        “hardest on myself–meanest to myself”… Yes. Me too Your post inspired mine, in fact my comment above the lead paragraph. Your words struck deep.

        Like

  3. SadiRose November 15, 2017 / 5:53 am

    I know the feeling well although I’ve never seen it written so thoroughly. I’ve been told my issue is self loathing or low self esteem and I too wonder why I can be that person someone else needs but never be satisfied with those that are there for me. I am told it is because I don’t love myself. Hang in there…I am also learning the discovery and healing process sucks almost as much as the anxiety. And although I don’t know you personally I love your compassion and openness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Erica November 15, 2017 / 11:36 am

      Yes, I am told that I need to learn how to love myself, too. That is a hard task. 😦

      Like

  4. Step Forward November 15, 2017 / 10:55 am

    I believe that for many of us, there is a hole in our spirits that we are desperately trying to fill. I have been in a lot of terrible pain the past few weeks, because I have finally exposed that hole to the light. I have come to realize just how much I want validation, attention, and to be loved – but it all has to come from me. As someone else said above, the discovery and healing process sucks just as much as the loneliness and sadness. Keep hanging on and fighting, it will get better over time. But no wound heals until it is exposed fully.

    Like

    • Erica November 15, 2017 / 11:35 am

      I think there is a lot of truth in this. It never ceases to amaze me how many layers there seems to be to what I feel. I peel off layer after layer, thinking each time, that I am exposing the wound. Only later, I discover there is more to uncover.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Step Forward November 15, 2017 / 12:01 pm

        Just keep peeling those layers. Eventually, we both will get to the real “us” underneath all of the pain.

        Like

  5. emje November 15, 2017 / 4:25 pm

    i always “joked” that i wanted to have kids so someone would love me best.
    now that i am surrounded by adoring children, i just think, “yeah, but there will come a day when they realize i am an asshole.”
    i’m very good at isolating myself 😦
    what i’m trying to say is, “me too ❤ "

    Like

    • Erica November 15, 2017 / 5:12 pm

      I know what you mean. I know my kids love me…it’s like I am searching for a different type of love—someone who takes care of me and loves me enough for myself? We know the problem with that, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. asimuel November 16, 2017 / 3:16 pm

    I can totally relate to this! I believe that those with anxiety, confiding in each other, can be very helpful because sometimes we are the only ones who truly understand what it means to feel this way.

    Like

  7. throwntogetherness November 18, 2017 / 1:31 am

    I was listening to a talk by Cynthia Bourgeault on Sound cloud called The Heart of Centreing Prayer and she says something like that yearning we become aware of IS God (rather than it will be satisfied with knowing God). That ackoneledging and staying with the deep yearning is a kind of spiritual connection. I should go listen again, it really struck me but I have yet to understand it.

    Like

  8. myjourneythroughemdr January 28, 2018 / 9:48 pm

    I also found it very difficult to love myself after being abused. What has helped me more than anything is experiencing the love that God has for me. Worship helps me connect with God and I feel less alone. I know that he’s fighting for me even when the chaos and PTSD feel like they’re crushing me. God has used my hurt to help me depend on him when I can’t do it myself. He can speak life and truth into me In ways that I can’t.
    If you’re interested, my blog post about imagery deals with this topic a lot. I talk about how the abuse feels like I’m in a wilderness dying of thirst.

    Like

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