I have been writing about my emptiness for a long time.
There are days where the loneliness I feel permeates my very being. I feel it, and then I feel myself falling into a deep hole.
For SO long, I have grieved this feeling.
I would fall into this hole, look around, and believe that nobody loved me. Nobody could love me.
I am unlovable.
In therapy, I would sit on my therapist’s couch and sob. “I just want someone to hug me. I just need someone to BE there. That’s all I need! Why isn’t anyone there?”
To my confusion, my therapist would always point out that I do have people there.
And I would argue, “But no one is there the way I need!“
And one day…one day she said, “But E…do you ever think that a hug would be enough? Would it be enough for you?”
I looked at her like she had two heads. In my mind, I thought, “What the hell do you mean? Of COURSE it would be enough!! I just need someone to be with me.”
….You see, my whole life, I have just wanted to be SOMEONE’S priority.
….But I have never really felt that way.
I have only ever wanted to be loved, and wanted, and cherished.
This weekend. This weekend I felt a new depth of emotion.
I felt guilt. I felt sadness. I felt loneliness. I felt depression.
…I felt like I needed a hug.
I went to church–there, I hugged many people who care about me. I went home. I asked my husband to hug me.
He did. He held me.
I texted my friends. I told them I felt sad. They told me they loved me.
I still FELT alone.
That is when I realized my therapist was RIGHT.
All around me, I have support. It might not always be the same level that I want it to be, but I have friends who tell me they love me.
I have friends who I can talk to about anything and everything.
They do not judge me. They understand me. They support me.
…But, many times, I still feel ALONE.
My therapist was right…it is not enough.
Why is that?
Is it because I am not enough?
Is it because something inside of me isn’t grateful?
Is it because I don’t understand boundaries?
Why do I still feel so empty, at times?
…I don’t understand.