I am not always who I like to think I am.
I am not perfect.
I am not selfless.
I make mistakes.
Sometimes, I jump into these mistakes with my eyes wide open.
I justify my actions. To myself, I say, “You never do anything wrong. You DESERVE to live once in a while.”
But, after the mistake is done?
I hate myself.
I really do.
I get that self punishment isn’t a healthy coping mechanism. I get it. I get that it doesn’t really do any good.
But…that does not stop me from hating myself. It does not stop me from being disappointed in ME.
I am a lover. I am a kind person. I don’t like to judge or hate. I am open minded and tolerant. And, most of all, I never aim to hurt another human.
My entire life? I have avoided that.
So, when I fuck up and do something that hurts someone else?
….I can barely live with myself….
Because that is not who I want to be.
I don’t want to make others hurt. I don’t want to make anyone cry, or suffer.
I worry. I feel for the other person. I have too much empathy.
My boundaries are never quite strong enough. At some point, they crack open and all those feelings rush in. I take them in. I let them become mine.
I hurt…and I cry.
I feel trapped. Stuck.
How do I do a thing…a thing that would set me free…when that thing will inevitably cause pain and suffering?
How do I justify my own happiness–my own selfishness–when it means that I carve a path of pain for someone else?
I can’t find a middle road. I am all in…ready to bolt, making stupid mistakes with the end in mind. Full of hope for what could be….OR….I am here, comfortable but unhappy. Lonely, hurting, and vulnerable.
But somewhere safe and known.
It is not so much of a balancing act as it is a total crushing of my heart.
I don’t know.
I just don’t know.