I’ve had the urge to write for days. But I haven’t known what to say.
I. AM. SO. CONFUSED.
I have been on the worst roller coaster over the last few weeks.
I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It wasn’t pretty. I told him I’d wait through the holidays.
Then, I started to feel trapped. I started to feel like I told him I’d try just because I felt bad for him.
Hurting him…seeing him vacillate between anger, and sadness, and desperation?
It hurt me.
It hurt me to see him hurting.
I wanted to take the hurt away.
So, I said we could try.
…But, oooohhh. I didn’t really want to. And that was eating at me each and every day.
By the next week, I broke down again.
This time, I felt sure. Totally sure.
I made more of a plan.
I was done. I talked to my therapist. I came up with ways to remain caring but kept my boundaries up.
And then, I did something stupid.
I began questioning all of it.
Why am I doing this? Isn’t just easier to stay? Can’t I just sacrifice my true happiness for comfort and relative safety?
And then, finally, all of my talk about leaving has lit a real fire under the ass of my husband. He is suddenly on the phone with therapists, making appointments with a psychiatrist, suggesting we attend a marriage retreat.
So there is that thought–What if he CAN change?
And then, immediately–But, could it ever be enough?
My honest thought is that, no…it will never be enough. Our marriage is not only about a lack of good sex. It is a total lack of connection. A total lack of intimacy. And it has been about a lot of loneliness.
I want to believe that someone can find me attractive. I want to believe that someone can connect with me–body AND mind.
I don’t just want a random orgasm…I want an orgasm and that totally overwhelming feeling of connection–of being one with someone.
I’ve had it before. It does exist….
But it hasn’t existed for me for a long time.
And then there is ME.
Do I want to try anymore?
Some days, it is a definitive no. Other days, it is simply easier to keep the status quo.
But, my walls are up. The resentments are real. Tearing all of that back down and giving him the benefit of the doubt now…two years after I asked him to really do it, and at a point when I have finally been brave enough to call it quits?
That is the hard part.
…So really, now what? What the hell do I do?
Do I wait, and see if counseling makes a difference for him? Or do I just call it, and start making the life I want for myself and our kids?