A funny thing has happened to me.
For years–my whole life, really–I kept all of my secrets. I rarely talked about what my childhood was like, or how hard it felt. When I did, I framed it in terms of my resilience…as in, Hey! All these things happened to me, but I turned out okay.
It wasn’t until almost two years ago (in three months I will have been in therapy for TWO YEARS…wow.), that I started to acknowledge things. Continue reading
Love is a topic that is both completely simple and immensely complicated in my life.
I will try to break it down…
Growing up, love was a double edged sword. A weapon, most of the time. At least, in my immediate home.
A few people…namely, my grandma and grandpa, seemed to love me with no strings attached. It was wonderful, and their home became my most favorite place to be.
I had coffee after work yesterday with my priest.
He is my priest, but he is also my friend. His wife is one of the important people in my life…a supporter, a role model, a real friend.
The boundaries are fuzzy…but suffice it to say that I have a deep love for my friend and her family…including her husband, who also happens to be the person who helps me navigate aspects of my spiritual life.
That is how I can describe my days lately.
Things at home? Things at home have been better. My husband is trying so hard. I have torn down my walls and let him in. I am letting him hold me. I am asking him to kiss me deeply. I am trying to feel the connection and love between us.
I am trying. I owe him that, after building a life with him for the last 12 years. I owe him one more chance.
I have been writing about my emptiness for a long time.
There are days where the loneliness I feel permeates my very being. I feel it, and then I feel myself falling into a deep hole.
For SO long, I have grieved this feeling.
Sundays are always hard for me.
The weekend is over. The new week and all of its tasks are looming.
But loneliness is the real killer. Continue reading
I am not always who I like to think I am.
I am not perfect.
I am not selfless.
I make mistakes. Continue reading
I’ve had the urge to write for days. But I haven’t known what to say.
I. AM. SO. CONFUSED.