The last week and a half has been strange.
I’ve been struggling, no doubt.
I have been dealing with the stress of teaching and the sadness that comes with being unable to save a student who is being abused.
I’ve been struggling with marriage and how to deal and what to do.
I’ve been feeling mom guilt.
I’ve been filled with self hate–a total lack of compassion–at seemingly being unable to be okay by myself. Enough for me. Not reliant on a connection with someone else to feel better.
I have felt alone. And sad. And dark. And full of hurt.
I have thought and wondered and grieved.
There have also been moments of strength. Moments where I have felt better. Where I have felt a shift in mindset and reminded myself to find the joy in the present moment, rather than focusing on the future or worrying about the past.
There have also been moments where I have felt confident and strong. Moments where I felt like I could hold my head high and rise above the petty bullshit of other people.
Self doubt, though…it finds a way of leaking in.
I traveled with a group of people last week. The trip itself was extraordinarily amazing. I learned some phenomenal ways of increasing student engagement and had a blast.
Traveling with a group? It was hard.
As a new member of this group, I felt a bit like an outsider. A misfit.
I realized, I didn’t really fit into any of the cliques.
You see, I don’t enjoy talking about other people or making fun of another person. I just don’t. It isn’t who I am.
I am all about kindness and love and lifting others up. Even if I really don’t like someone, I am never mean on purpose. Never.
It’s just not how I roll.
I will be kind. I will be polite. I will treat you the way I wish you would treat me.
I think though….I think this is why it is so disappointing when other people treat me differently.
On this trip, I found myself occasionally feeling weak. Not brave enough to kill the gossip. Sometimes, I may have even chimed in–in order to fit in.
And, that feeling? It was uncomfortable. Like I was selling my soul in the name of fitting in.
I also had to deal with a person who had previously bullied me. This time, she had a friend. I dealt with the bug-eyed looks they would give each other each time I talked. The texting back and forth, along with the snorting giggles, under the table at dinner, with quick glances at me in between.
It made me feel insecure. I took it personally. I began to wonder, once again…what is wrong with me? Am I socially awkward?
Can I just not get along with other people?
I challenge that, however. I have traveled with another group recently. For half a month…and I left with nothing but a bunch of new friends and a lot of great memories. Yes, some homesickness was thrown in there…but we all supported each other through it.
When grown women act like they are stuck in high school, I struggle. High school was hard for me. It is full of feelings of insecurity and the memories of never fitting in to the small town I was transplanted into.
I struggle because I don’t relate to it. I don’t find it funny. I am not one of those women who embraces my “bitchiness.”
I want to make other people feel better. I want other people to make me feel better.
It seems like a win-win situation…
So, lately, it has been up and down. I suppose the fact that I can recognize some strengths is growth. And we all know how painfully difficult growth can be.