Matters of the heart

For close to two years, my marriage has been heavily weighing on me.

I have looked at other couples, filled with jealously at what it is they have. The closeness. The intimacy. The connection.

I have felt lonely in my own home. A house with people in it, but no one to really talk to.  Continue reading

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Maybe then…

I went away on a girls’ trip this weekend with a good friend. It was a great way to refresh and take it easy. The scenery was beautiful, the accommodations were beyond comfortable, and the camaraderie was welcomed and needed.

The downside was that I had too much time to reflect and overthink. Continue reading

A mighty struggle

Since I started teaching in August, I have been tackling a lot of triggers.It has felt very multifaceted…

It is related to the school where I am teaching–one that I actually attended as a child. It is related to what I went through. It is related to who I felt supported by–teachers–always teachers. It is also related to who I am teaching now, and how much I am able to help and support them.

Let me give you a hint…for my struggling students, the ones who remind me of me? Or the ones that have it way worse than I ever had it?

…I am never able to help them enough.

And that hurts my heart. Continue reading

Teaching through trauma

I have spent the last four years working at elementary schools in various capacities. I have known, for awhile, that education is the career for me. It just took me some time to take the leap and go back to school to earn a second degree.

School was a safe place for me. Growing up, when life was crazy, chaotic, and traumatic, school represented a place where I could go and be free. Loved.

Throughout my schooling, there were a few individuals who saved me. The teachers who saw who I was, and encouraged me to do my best. The teachers who embraced me and made me feel loved and supported. The ones who saw beyond the messy hair or messed up clothes. The ones who didn’t care that my parents didn’t show to parent/teacher conferences and told me I was smart anyway.

Continue reading

The Present

I have been living in the past and worrying about the future.

Yesterday, I had another therapy appointment. This time, EMDR was on the menu. It has been a long time since I’ve ventured back into the depths of my memory in this way…and it is always something that I approach with anxiety and apprehension.

Sometimes, I respond very emotionally to this process. It is powerful. And real. And hard.

My focus yesterday was to target why I rely so heavily on other people for my value. Why I worry so much and spiral out of control when I feel alone even when I am not really alone. Continue reading