I went to work today and ended up calling in a substitute and driving home early.
…I just couldn’t make it through the day. My anxiety has been terrible. My heart is hurting. And my mind refuses to find distraction.
It all weighs so much. So much to carry. It makes me feel ill.
I managed to get into my therapist since I was home and I had literally spent the last two days blowing up her phone.
Here I am again…back to this place I always end up. Feeling alone. Scared. Aching for someone to just listen to me and who wants to care about me.
So much of this is a place of my own creation. I get that. I get that I pour my self-worth into other people, instead of myself. I get that I am overly sensitive, and that I worry and spiral out of control if I feel like I’ve done something wrong in a friendship, or if I fear the friend is leaving me.
What I don’t get is how I stop. How do I simply learn to be enough, on my own?
It is so damned complicated.
When my cycle is said aloud, it seems silly and stupid. A set of choices that seem obvious and easy enough to logically avoid.
The problem is…this cycle is so deeply rooted in something. I am insecure. I am used to people teaching me lessons by withholding love or affection or attention–all to teach me a lesson. It is how my life worked.
Now, I am supposed to know that most people are not that way. But also, most people are not totally honest…they do not spell out their choices or decisions. They do not offer simple reassurances.
So I try to fill in the blanks.
I start logically. I really do. I am not an uncaring or overly-selfish person. I know that life is crazy busy and things happen.
But, somewhere along the line of self-talk, I fail. I stop hearing the logical voice and start believing the fearful voice. The one who says I am terrified that I am too much. Too annoying. Too immature. Too whiny or negative. Too ________. Too unlovable.
My self talk spirals out of control. I start to figure out how to be okay alone. I start to wonder what I did wrong. I start to believe in my inherent un-lovable-ness.
I feel like the fact that I need to ask for reassurance at this point just drives home how annoying and insecure I am, solidifying how smart they are to just ditch me already.
I hurt. I feel sad.
I feel alone.
My therapist asks, What is it you NEED from relationships?
To me, the answer seems simple.
I need connection. I need to feel heard. I need to feel wanted and needed. I like to talk everyday. Or, I like to know what is happening in a friend’s life if we can’t.
Sometimes, I just want to see someone and have them look into my eyes and recognize the pain I feel. No questions, no words. Just a hug that says, I see you. I care. You aren’t alone.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t NEED to talk about myself to feel better.
I just need to believe that I am loved. That I am valuable.
Trust me, I want to learn how to believe this on my own. Seriously.
But right now, I haven’t figured it out.
I broke open at the end of my appointment. All of my fear, my sadness, my rejection, my loneliness and shame…it came boiling out of me, unable to be swallowed back down.
I couldn’t control the tears. I couldn’t talk. My therapist gave me a goodbye hug and I squeezed tightly, letting some of it out. So grateful for her willingness to humanize my struggle and give me a piece of what I need…though wishing it was something I could carry over into my real world.
Sobbing, I walked out to my car and jammed my sunglasses on my puffy, swollen eyes. I tried to take deep, steadying breaths. I wish I was strong enough to solve this right now.
Nobody wishes that more than I do.
Until then, all I can ask is, PLEASE, be patient with me. Please don’t give up. Please don’t hate that I need to ask if I’ve messed up or if I need a little reassurance that you still care about me.
I am learning. I am trying.
Tonight, I feel sad and drained and empty.
But despite that all, never forget…I haven’t given up. I am trying.