Nothing about growth has been linear. It has been an up and down process…almost circular at times.
I feel better. I lapse. I come back around to the same hurts I’ve been so diligently ignoring. They still hurt.
But something has changed: me.
Somehow, despite all my doubting and all of my insecurities….somehow, I have still gotten stronger.
So, I come back around to the hurts…but, each time, I am a little more ready to handle them. To deal with them.
I am such an imperfect person.
I am chronically impatient. I am insecure. Clingy. I can be selfish.
But, I am also a hard core lover. A loyal person, through and through.
So much of my battle on this impossibly hard journey has been overcoming my desire to JUST. FEEL. Loved.
Or, perhaps…just feel lovable.
You see, I still want this. Oh god, do I want this.
I want to be seen as a lovable, likable person. I want to BE loved and liked. I want to feel it…believe it.
I dream of having a partner in life…one who I connect with, share with, and become one with. A real intimacy. A real connection.
A real love.
I want this.
I really do.
My soul has started to draw a line. Somehow, even though I have felt messy and complicated….my soul has gotten stronger. Braver.
It is now refusing to beg to be loved.
I want to fix the problems. ALL the problems.
But I have learned, in so many very hard ways, that I cannot fix problems in other people. They have to WANT to fix them on their own.
And, sometimes, even if they want to…they simply aren’t capable of the change I am looking for.
And that is where the hard choices come in.
My soul…today, it felt brave. Strong. Sure.
And then doubt crept in. And along with it, some panic. Some fear.
Could I ever be enough on my own?
Am I being selfish?
Wouldn’t it be easier on EVERYONE ELSE if I just sacrificed my own happiness for their comfort? The status quo is easy…more comfortable.
Yet…I don’t want to be guided by my doubt. By my fear and panic.
I don’t know what to do.